Friday, January 15, 2010

Shoeing In A Bold New Era


My Docs have finally died.

It’s a testament to their quality that they’ve lasted as long as they have: I walk everywhere in them.

Walked.

Excuse me for a moment while I compose myself...

digs out Mantovani and sobs in corner

Sad, I know — but endings, as they say, are merely new beginnings (though there is some dispute as to whether a vacuum resides at the cusp between the two, or whether this internexus contains multitudes, like Walt Whitman’s lunch box), and starting over is like falling in love. A note to qualify that last point for all you sciencey reference buffs: the people who dispute the nature of the cusp are not necessarily the same guys as the ones hailing the benefits of starting over, though there may be scope for a Venn diagram to illustrate any (frankly likely) crossover. What matters is that I don’t know any of these people personally.

Am I digressing? Nope — I’ve changed out of my pyjamas and that’s exactly the opposite, so I must be sticking to the point. Phew.

Anyhow — a shiny new pair of shoes arrived this morning and I’ve been skipping about the house in them with the unreserved glee of a 70s housewife meeting Rod Stewart backstage after a gig. This doesn’t mean, of course [WARNING: cat cruelty scenario metaphor approaching], that my old pair is to be junked, like that sad moment when a new kitten arrives in the family household and the pissy bag of bones formerly known as The Cuddliest Thing Ever is cast out into the freezing wasteland by the scruff of its neck and forced to live on other, scrawnier, cats. These shoes walked me through most of what has unfortunately come to be known as the Noughties, and they deserve pride of place on their own shelf in the study to serve as a reminder of all the times, good and bad, when they were strapped to my tootsies.

I recall the night I first wore them with much fondness. Being Docs, they chafed the backs of my heels like a trainee plastic surgeon testing out pages 43-69 of Transform Them, Even The Pig Ugly Ones: A Textbook of Assisted Beautification on a leg of ham with a cheesegrater. So I got halfway to the pub, turned round and came home. When I checked out my Whirly Diary of Alle Thinges to see when this happened, I was astounded to discover (ulp) it took place almost exactly a decade ago. My conclusion? Okay, I have several of these.

1) I have the lowest carbon footprint of anyone I know. Literally.
2) It doesn’t bother me at all that I look like a tramp from the ankles down. Tramp is a foot verb, after all.
3) There’s an article in this week’s Radio Times about how Gardeners’ World has gone downhill in the viewers’ estimation. In it, Gay Search comments favourably on the new presenters. As I sat reading, I remembered I used to have a secret crush on Gay Search. This has nothing to do with my Docs, of course — I’m just slipping this in for background biographical info. Under any other circumstance, I’d dig out a suitably informative link — but screenloads of shaved male buttocks and oiled willies aren't everyone’s cup of tea.

So — it’s high noon now and I’m busily breaking in my new Docs under cover of my desk. A few heavy pliets should sort out the stiffness, and there’s a slice of bacon in the fridge to combat the annoying squeaks. So I’m sorted.

Just time for one last adventure for my darlings before I dig out the DIY manual and erect a shelf...

44 comments:

writtenwyrdd said...

*blinks rapidly several times* Whoa! That's a sight to shock the eyes.

RIP your old shoes. I'll donate my hot pink Crocs to you if it'll help. Only a couple of paint splashes for character...

Whirlochre said...

Paint splashed hot pink Crocs?

What are you trying to do to me?

Paint splashed hot pink Crocs are the new split-crotch all-in-one pop sock cum wetsuit!

fairyhedgehog said...

The legs! And the socks! With the shoes!

Any one of those would be enough on their own but all three together...

(Enough for what, you may ask. Just enough, that's all.)

writtenwyrdd said...

So...is that a yes or a brush off?

*blink-blink-blinks again before reaching for the eye bleach*

Whirlochre said...

Verily, I am a Neapolitan ice cream of lower limb thrills n spills...

Whirlochre said...

Written
I'd never try to brush you off. But by the same token, I'm Crocced out here at Whirl Towers. S-o-W has two new pairs for school — and he's nearly broken his neck on the ice in both.

writtenwyrdd said...

Oh, I know the No Ice rule in those shoes. But they are mighty comfy. I do sometimes wear them in winter...with wool socks. Makes me feel like an elderly man, golfing in Florida...

so sad you reject my gorgeous foot cuddlers...

latvialovedoll1877 said...

i want ur sex. way to a mans hart is thru his stomerk. i make beutiful bread. slef rasing hot love. and hot hot dogs. if you like corgis then you like me. my pastry has been on tv. hot hot hot.

Whirlochre said...

Written
Makes me feel like an elderly man, golfing in Florida

Then you should rush out and bag one right away. Those guys are loaded.

writtenwyrdd said...

Wow, Whirl, you have a love slave in the wings. Who knew?

ironical word veri: pocalot

Whirlochre said...

Oddly enough, I've been plagued by Russian lurkers ever since my Noddy Holder's Cock post.

The Subdom Medical students post also seems to reel them in.

Maybe I should stick to blogging about shampoo.

writtenwyrdd said...

With your predilection for strange word combinations (and I mean that in a GOOD way) you will likely find offers from russianbrides.com or lovedolls-r-us.com. (I just made those up; so if they are actual sites, it's on you if you go there.)

Whirlochre said...

Knowing my luck, it'll be postGlasnostkickassconmenwithUzis.com after my money.

jjdebenedictis said...

Hail to the worthy dead; they will be missed.

I still have my beloved canvas high-top sneakers from Junior High. I do not have socks quite that fetching to model them in, however.

writtenwyrdd said...

I hope you don't have the accompanying hirsuteness, Jen. ;)

Whirl, perhaps you should start a contest and the winner is whomever comes up with the best replacement for GoW's socks.

McKoala said...

Wow. 80s time warp. It's like looking at the feet of all the boys I went to uni with.

Socks and all.

writtenwyrdd said...

I think we need to get Whirlochre to accept my hot pink Crocks (with only minor paint stains) and have him post a picture.

stacy said...

I know how you feel, only I wasn't nearly attached to the winter boots that have pretty much died on me. The sole of one is cracked all the way through, letting in slush and water and god knows what else onto my delicate feet.

Whirlochre said...

JJ
Favourite duds — you have to save them, don't you? I have a great overcoat which I wore in my late teens. It's 100% paedo, and falling to pieces — but it's hanging on a hook behind me like some weird ghost. Occasionally, I don it.

WW

"accompanying hirsuteness"?

Are you trying to insinuate that I look like a gorilla? Answer to the name Silverback? Lounge around all day eating bananas and never get allowed into shops for fear I might break something or maul the staff? Is that what you're saying? Huh? Huh?

McKoala
There were some weird students around in the 80s. Old 50s suits and those shitty Clarks shoes. Sadly, they don't look like that anymore. They just look like everyone else.

WW
First you call me a gorilla, now you're trying to turn me into a glorified dustbin! What next? I prey on elderly grandmothers? Rob them of their cardigans and hats? Eat their biscuits? You're out to destroy me, I know it! All of you!

Stacy
I know the slush thing, only in my case, I don't have delicate feet. But its sandal time soon, I suppose. Or maybe we should all invest in flowery pumps.

Bernita said...

Comfort thyself.
At least you were with them when they died!

writtenwyrdd said...

Whirl: yes, and yes. You see right through me. Have you been taking a page from Houlumi's book? (I hope I spelled that right.)

Whirlochre said...

Bernita
True. But it makes me wonder. Suppose you were being squeezed to death by a boa constrictor, which suddenly had a heart attack and died. And suppose you fainted seconds before and only recovered consciousness after the snake had developed rigor mortis. Would a stiff boa constrictor be more difficult to escape from than a live one? A tight knot of bones and hardened sinew as opposed to a mass of contracting muscle?

I mention this because the laces were so hard to undo last time I wore the shoes.

WW
No. But I do have the E Guy Ouiffe boxer shorts.

Robin S. said...

I’ve been skipping about the house in them with the unreserved glee of a 70s housewife meeting Rod Stewart backstage after a gig. I almost split my lip open, smiling at this one.

Love the picture, Whirlster. What cute hairs you have!

Whirlochre said...

Wrobin
And I'm pleased to say they're genuine (the hairs). I mention this only because of an article in the paper this morning featuring some witless dork who's had a tattoo of a pair of spectacles etched onto his face.

Robin S. said...

What a hoot! Bet he'll hate the hell outta that pretty soon.

Whirlochre said...

Not before everyone else on the planet hates the hell out of him! Forgive me for dissing mankind's inherent gooliness, but this guy is twenty four stitches to the cranium waiting to happen.

Whirlochre said...

Speccy Twat Update
I've just gone looking for a link to the tattoo story and it seems the guy concerned was involved in some sort of promotion for Raybans.

I do so hate to be schmucked.

writtenwyrdd said...

All my amusing shoes have been given away because my feet grew a size and a half about 8 years ago. If I still had them, the cream grannyboots with the needle sharp toes would have looked pretty good on you, Whirlio.

And I not sure what you mean by "E Guy Ouiffe boxer shorts" but it made me want to make that face your cat makes when it's using its Jabson's organ, sort of like they smelled something horrid and were trying not to vomit.

Whirlochre said...

WW

all my amusing shoes...

Goodness, this made me laugh till hitherto unknown humours squirted from my eyeballs. You sound like the Imelda Marcos of clown boots.

As for the Ouiffres, these are what Haloumi stains when he hurtles to his death in the Lift of Doom.

writtenwyrdd said...

Whirl, I used to like a variety of unusual footwear. And because I have feet better suited to someone over six feet, perhaps they did resemble clown shoes when I wore them!

Whirlochre said...

"six feet" and "clown shoes" go well in the same sentence.

Ha ha!

Robin S. said...

Uh, Whirl, now that we've seen some lower leg, are we gonna be seeing arms soon?

I'd be up for that.

Whirlochre said...

I'll check whether it's OK with my kung fu teacher...

writtenwyrdd said...

I think we need to see some arm action photos, like pancake flipping or even a few rude gestures for punctuation purposes.

writtenwyrdd said...

But I still vote for Whirl in my paint-spattered Crocs.

(What you don't know, Whirl, is that I hate the hot pink Crocs, too, have always hated them with a passion surpassing that with which you refuse my generous offer. Because when they arrived in the mail, the ORANGE Crocs--also a hideous color but one that amused me--were actually the brightest cabbage rose hot pink disgusting color imaginable. And I've been stuck with them for nearly five years. I've served my karmic jail sentence; now it's someone else's turn.)

They hadn't caught on when I ordered a pair.

Whirlochre said...

You can now get all kinds of Crocs: slippers, boots, pseudo-proper shoes.

My only beef is that they make your feet sweat, and when they've done that, they tend to chafe.

But the landfill sites of the world now abound with happy rats zooming round in rubber dodgems, so I suppose we can't complain.

Robin S. said...

Well, all I know is - when you post pics of body parts (yours), you get one damn good comment trail. Makes me think you should consider using an elbow or something for the cover of your novel when it's published. Or maybe...a knee.

fairyhedgehog said...

A knee? Isn't that a bit, yanno, racy?

Whirlochre said...

Wrobin
I suspect if I make it to the publication stage, they'll need photos of my actual face.

Hogsy Pogsy
Though knees would be good, I admit.

writtenwyrdd said...

He DID show his knees in that 'kilt' get up...and there were a lot of comments. I still have that image burnt into my brain. In a good way, of course. ;)

Robin S. said...

Oh yeah. The Kilt Pic. Yee-ha! Very racy knees, especially with a man-skirt on.

Whirlochre said...

Girls
If this is a veiled demand for tartan, you're out of line...

Robin S. said...

True. But no biggie, as I was born out of line.

Whirlochre said...

You'd have made a great maverick cop.

Who needs Harry O when you've got Robin S?