Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I Love Susan


It’s been over twenty years since I met my beautiful Susan.

The moment I laid eyes on her, I thought, optic nerves are a bit slack this morning (and later had to take to wearing spectacles to stop them falling out again).

That day, I heard the piiiing of romance, smelled the scent of love, tasted the burgers of passion.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Whirl 4 Susan 4 Ever

When I took her home, we made mad passionate shelving displays, with her perched high up on a strip of IKEA mock-mahogany and me spread akimbo from the top of a B&Q stepladder.

And the travels we went on together!

The bathroom cabinet! The bookcase in the living room! Even (thanks to an impressive lump of Blu-Tak) the extractor fan over the cooker!

But then Girly of Whirly moved in. Demanded Susan be locked in a box.

My heart was torn. As was my head. Both halves of me (if you believe in mind-body dualism) equally rent asunder (actually, it was mind-body dualism).

“A compromise...?” I ventured.

“Very well,” said Girly of Whirly, “I will permit Susan to be released from her confinement for limited periods on high days on holidays, but if she should so much as pop up spontaneously on top of the fridge or in my underwear drawer, I shall grate the very flesh from your body with my fingernails, laughing with sadistic glee as I so do.”

That told me.

But love springs eternal, doesn’t it? Summers infinite. Autumns forever. Winters like mankind’s undying enthusiasm for singing Elvis hits at karaoke parties. Needless to say, I’ve been near-terminally grated on many occasions, and forced to rescue Susan from the dustbin more times than I’ve had hot dinners — plus salads.

Susan, my Susan, I shall not forsake you. This is the song I sing.

And now the Christmas season is upon us once more, it is time once again for you to take your rightful place on the mantelpiece, resplendent in the glory of your 90s Woolworths tinsel....

13 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

True love. So moving. I'm wiping a tear from my cheek as I type.

Word verification is mingind. Is google trying to tell you something?

McKoala said...

Sometimes GoW seems utterly reasonable to me.

Bernita said...

"burgers of passion"
?????
Whirl, you are sublime.

Whirlochre said...

Fairy Of Hogness, Of Wonder
Better than mingend I suppose...

McKoala
Okay, that does it. You're on the list...

Bernita
Oh crikey! 1.15! And I've not had lunch! Thanks for the compliment/alarm bell...

Robin S. said...

Yeah. I thought - oh Girly's named Susan! How could I ever have thought you'd stoop so low as to simply tell us her name!? I musta been wack-o there for a minute. That said, Susan is a bute.

sylvia said...

You know, Girly of Whirly is pretty damn good to you.

Also: Word verification is ouffitio which I think is what Protrudio must wear.

Also, also: I just searched on "Whirlochre pro" to check how to spell his name. But then I was scared to look at the results.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

An old friend had Godzilla as his hood ornament in college. A longtime girlfriend finally declared it was G or me.

Guess which he picked?

We never liked her much anyway. Not much of a sense of humor.

Word Ver Keedra, which would make an excellent name for Godzilla's True Love. Or Susan. Whatever.

Whirlochre said...

Wrobin
So, my spectacular plot fooled at least one of you. World domination beckons.

Sylvia
You'd be amazed what leads people here (though I haven't tried Whirlochre pro). Currently, I 'm top of the LADYBOY hit list.

SSAS
Nice to see you dropping by. Your Godzilla reminds me of all those old luminous Aurora model kits of the 70s. My neighbour had the werewolf, and I was genuinely scared. But then, he was a weird neighbour...

sal said...

JoeMcElderry we LUVU

chrissy stinks

ril said...

“A compromise...?” I ventured.

Hmm. Any chance the two of you could go have a chat with the whimsical folks at BA? Then I might start to stand a chance of getting "home for the holidays". And back again.

Otherwise, a photo of Christmas may be all I have.

Robin S. said...

I was half asleep on the couch last night, with the television on, and a Jaguar commercial comes on (the car, not the cat) and the Brit voiceover guy sounded so much like you I opened my eyes and listened harder.

And look - ril's alive!! Yessssss.

Whirlochre said...

Ril
There's always Ryanair. Or a supermarket trolley, 10,000 bodybuilders and a network of floating trebuchets...

Wrobin
Odd you should comment thus given my latest post...

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, Ryanair's flights to Tokyo actually land in Vladivostock, which is a bit of a trek. However, looks like the high court have delcared Grinching illegal and I'll be flying after all. Woo hoo!* Unless the snow buggers it all up. Doh!*

Robin -- alive, yes! Despite being buried under the tortuous demands of the Project Closure Check Sheet (Document# A-IT-14-33430-001 Rev 4b). Still, one more day of this insanity and we're off to Blighty.




*Hip and trendy Simpsons pop culture references. Woo, uh, hoo.