Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Maybe I Should Wear Me Some Bear...

Sometime in June, I reckon July, August, September and October got together to discuss the future like cross-dressers relishing the luxury of a pantomime.

August: Why don’t I take October this year?
October : Great! And July can have September!

Now the summer’s over, the time has come to recalibrate the central heating in readiness for the chills of November. Assuming we don’t get December. Or January.

As ever, I’ve been way too enthusiastic with my anti-cold tactics, whizzing every dial up to max just in case the water pipes freeze or passing mammoths demand somewhere warm to thaw their mighty trunks.

So, instead of rising this morning with a spring in my step to rival a gazelle pumped full of amphetamines, I slithered from under the duvet having performed a 180 degree turn inside my own skin like a boil-in-the-bag ready meal. As I sit to type, my skin has the consistency of gravy licked by a slavering St Bernard, my head feels fuzzier than Sean Connery’s blow-dried chest, and I swear, if I’m called upon to do anything difficult today, I’m guaranteed to do it badly.

So, so glad I’m not a heart surgeon.

Or a wasp.

Today, I’d make a crap wasp...


writtenwyrdd said...

Did you change the caption on the Chthulu button?

I'm trying to imagine skin like gravy and now I can only picture a tan jello mold, which is rather nasty first thing in the morning.

Robin S. said...

and I swear, if I’m called upon to do anything difficult today, I’m guaranteed to do it badly.

So, so glad I’m not a heart surgeon.

Or a wasp.

Whirl, overheated by his own system. Now THERE'S a picture to crave!

fairyhedgehog said...

like a boil-in-the-bag ready meal

Oh dear. I hope I can bleach this image from my mind otherwise even the socks won't be enough to restore your charisma.

Whirlochre said...

Unless the Old One himself has dropped by and messed the html around with those unspeakable facial appendages of his, no, it's still the same button.

The things I could do to uncooked pastry right now...

Interestingly, I read somewhere that one or two of the top Michelin restaurants are using cooking methods not dissimilar to boil-in-the-bag.

And you think I had charisma? Wow. I'm honoured.

fairyhedgehog said...

Charisma, Whirl, simply oozes from you.

Only the plastic bag is kind of getting in the way.

sylvia said...

Wait, wasp?

Why wasp?

Whirlochre said...


The alien invaders gathered.

Before them: tanks, crushed. The dead from every nation. The silence of a world surrendered.

Then, from behind a rose bush...

sylvia said...

Wasps are going to save the planet!

I should probably stop smoking them out of our garden then. *guilty look*

Whirlochre said...

Oh, that was a great mis-read. For a moment there, I had a vision of you puffing away on a fag made of dried wasps.

A buzz like no other

sylvia said...

Ew! I must watch my phrasing.

Mind, if you smoked live wasps, this ad could actually make sense?

Flickr Photo Download: 1931 - Face the Facts - Lucky Strike Cigarettes

No, maybe not.

Kerrie said...

Every year there is a nasty to heat or not to heat faze.
It's the same in our house this is the time of year when the cat starts his annual worship of the great radiator god.
What makes a good wasp I wonder?

Whirlochre said...

I hear John Lewis do a reasonable Basic Wasp Kit for £9.99.

Robin S. said...

You know, that pastry thing sounds kinda nasty. (Maybe I just want it to.)

fairyhedgehog said...

For some reason the spam doesn't show up on here, but it does show up in my inbox! Aargh!