Sunday, September 6, 2009

Indoor Fountain Heaven


Nothing beats the sound of running water to calm your spirits — unless it’s coming from under your kitchen sink.


Flashback to 2005, when Twatface Arseholebrain the plumber lay wrestling with ungainly oddments of plastic piping beneath my dream-kitchen-unit-to-be like a desperate Formula 1 mechanic negotiating a Big End Nightmare...

‘So you’re sure you know what you’re doing?’

‘Relax, mate — I’m the best. When I were training, I fitted a bog for ‘arry bleedin’ Secombe, so you’re safe as houses with me...’

Two plumbers later, and the obscene tangle of tubing stretching from beneath the drainer to the fridge could have set me up for life as an adventure theme park magnate — but for the fact that devil-may-care hobbits don’t actually exist.

I’m no expert on plumbing, but my understanding is that the surest guarantee against leakage has everything to do with sealing the connections between the pipes rather than relying on gravity not to pluck the entire water conveying structure from its moorings every time the hot and cold taps are run simultaneously while the washing machine is rinsing a load of woollens and someone’s in the shower. Like it did this afternoon.

No stranger to getting down on my hands and knees and wielding the odd tool, I managed to shore everything up with a trio of cleverly arranged coathangers and now consider myself potentially indispensible in the event of nuclear attack.

But, yes — I missed both goals.

5 comments:

McKoala said...

It's nice the way plumbers make their fortune making life worse for the rest of us.

Robin S. said...

No stranger to getting down on my hands and knees and wielding the odd tool, I managed to shore everything up with a trio of cleverly arranged coathangers and now consider myself potentially indispensible in the event of nuclear attack.

Ha! You ARE totally indispensable.

And as for plumbing and plumbers, don't even get me started.

ril said...

One can only surmise that the tangle of pipes threaded through the average home is directly related to the high margin on copper derivatives in combination with per-hour labour rates.

It is interesting how the old adage "the shortest distance from point A to point B is a straight line" doesn't apply to plumbing. That's why the optimal routing from the hot water tank upstairs, to the kitchen sink directly below, is via the Esso service station on the nearby bypass. Apparently, the extra boost of the four mile gentle decline is just what's needed to maintain adequate water pressure.

And am I to infer that you have one of those mega-expensive, bigger than Mr. Whippy's van, two-door refrigerators that actually require plumbing? If so, I recommend tapping the cold water line rather than the drainer -- it makes for cleaner ice.

Whirlochre said...

I wonder if the network of synapses within the average plumber's brain is similarly spaghettioid?

Mary said...

Name-dropping plumbers are the WORST!