Wednesday, August 19, 2009

There's An Englishman, A Scotsman And An Irishman — 3,793 Camels And A Masseuse 5

‘Three angels walk into a bar...’

‘Great — it’s an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman joke, isn’t it? I love those.’

‘Actually, no, it isn’t. And I think you’ll find that angels are just angels, ie “from heaven”.’

‘OK, but before they got to Heaven, they must have come from somewhere.’

‘That’s not how it works.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because this is a joke. What matters is that they’re angels — in a bar.'

‘OK, so where’s the bar? Sounds a bit odd.’

‘It doesn’t matter. Isn’t it a curious enough set-up for you to wonder that I might be about to titillate your humour glands with a knock-em-dead punchline?’

‘What’s curious is that you seek to amuse me with a joke that might not actually make sense. I ventured to suggest the nationalities of said angels — or pre-angels if you accept my argument in full — and in doing so, drew upon the most likely stereotypes. But what about the Welsh?’

‘They have their own jokes in their own special language.’

‘OK, then — the Swiss. The French, the Aussies, the Biafrans. That would make a difference, wouldn’t it? To your joke? Three angels walk into a bar, one of whom is French, and the other two, Biafrans, but both with different European lineages on the mother’s side. Don’t tell me this doesn’t matter a jot, especially if the barman is German — or, heaven forbid, Greek.’

‘What’s your beef with the Greeks, for Chrissake?’

‘Nothing. I’m just saying it matters.’

‘In the context of the joke, I can assure you that it doesn’t matter. They’re angels. That, if you like, is the stereotype we’re lampooning,’

‘Speak for yourself. You haven’t told me the fucking joke yet. How can I be complicit in the lampooning of unrevealed stereotypes?’

‘It was you who introduced the business of the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman...’

‘Because those kind of jokes are funny. What’s funny about three angels going into a bar? Do they get pissed out of their heads? Surprise, surprise. Do they gamble on the one-armed bandit? Surprise, surprise. Do they get off with a hooker? Surprise, surprise. And why three angels anyway? If the point of the joke is that angels do something out of character, some evil or sordid act for which they must be rightly and rib-ticklingly lampooned, why does it take three of them to do it? Why not ‘an angel?’

‘I haven’t got to the mermaid sorcerer triplets yet.’

‘What mermaid sorcerer triplets?’

‘The mermaid sorcerer triplets gathered round the bar with their nets that I’d have introduced into the plotline of the joke if you hadn’t speculated about the nationality of the fucking angels!’


‘Angels and mermaids? In the same bar? Is this an architect’s nightmare or what?’

‘Oh, suit yourself. Knock knock...’

A prize for the best Angels and Mermaid Sorcerer Triplets joke awaits. Enter in the comment trail. Deadline Sunday 11.55pmGMT. Crap crap crap crap crap prize, as per usual.


writtenwyrdd said...

Ye gods, how can one possibly top that cracking laugh fest you have already written? Seriously funny. You ought to write or something. You have a way with dialog.

fairyhedgehog said...

Writtenwyrdd is right. How about you write an Angels and Mermaid Sorcerer Triplets joke and enter it under my name?

JaneyV said...


i gots nothin'!

Morton Shadow said...

Three angels walk into a bar with a white horse, on the pull like, hoping to score with a set of mermaid sorcerer triplets and a randy mare, perhaps?

"Any sets of mermaid sorcerer triplets or randy mares been in lately, guv.?" The first angel asks the chap behind the bar, who shakes his head and replies, "not much call for 'em 'round here squire" (or words to that effect) "Anyway gents, what can I get you?"

The three angels place their orders - lager and lime, pint of Guinness, Drambuie Breezer etc. but the White Horse can't seem to make his mind up and is bemusedly stroking his chin with an anxious hoof. Hoping to put his newest customer at ease, the publican starts to make idle chit-chat. "I, erm, I've got a whisky behind the bar here named after you, you know..."

"What," retorts the white horse excitedly, "Eric?"


w.v. unkle (nice one!)

Whirlochre said...

Thanks, Mort.

Now we're motoring (if jokes can be said to have wheels)...

Robin S. said...

HA! Christ, this was a hoot. I was bummed when I got close to 'the end' and it was 'the end' of what you'd written.

Geoff said...

If both the angels and the mermaids are feline, then I'm in — but not if there's Siamese genes involved.


McKoala said...

It's between Mort and Whirl himself...

Kiersten said...

So the bartender looks up as mermaid triplets come bubbling in. He wasn't sure how they were moving, there being no water and all, but bubbling seemed like as good an adjective as any.

"Pardon," one of the triplets said, "But that wasn't an adjective, or a verb, but rather a gerund."

"Spooky," he said, realizing that these were, indeed, mermaid triplet sorcerers.

"And mind-readers," another chimed in, adjusting her shell bra. "Can't come up with a spell to keep these blasted things from chaffing though."

"Erm, what can I get you ladies--mermaids--umm, things?"

"We're looking for Angel."

"Angels? Hell's, or actual? Because I don't get many of the second variety, this being a bar and all."

"No, not angels, Angel. From the series that was a spin-off of Buffy. You know, tall, square face, perpetually gelled-and-spiked hair."

The bartender frowned. "Seriously?"

One of the mermaids flicked her wrist and his entire shelf of Lord of the Rings figurines combusted. Spontaneously.

"Well, not spontaneously," the first mermaid interjected. "They had help, after all."

Cowering, the bartender trembled, shaking his head. "I, uh, hate to tell you, but since this is Whirl's joke, it's a British bar, and we only go for Dr Who and whatnot. None of that American nonsense. Besides, that series got canceled ages ago. The only vampires we have around these days sparkle and have hordes of teenage girls chasing after them all the time."

One of the mermaids swore, using language that was appropriate neither above nor beneath the sea. "I knew we should have walked in on a different joke."

Whirlochre said...

Contest now closed. Winner t.b.a.

Whirlochre said...

After much deliberation c/o a full half hour consultation with Sock Monkey, I'm pleased to announce that the winner of this spurious prize is Kiersten.

Rest assured that the promised crap crap crap crap crap prize will be on its way soon...

Kiersten said...

Wahoo! I knew I'd be able to sway Sock Monkey in my favor...