Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Fabio Capello vs Gok Wan


Seventy two minutes into England’s woeful friendly against Holland and I had to down spectator tools to wield a more speculative contraption, namely the laptop.


So, there I was, with half an eye still on the game and half the other eye on my screen, eyes waggling sans any hope of focus like some kind of goat scribe.

But here’s the interesting thing. No sooner had I given up on Girl Hand romping away with the tie 10-2 than Jermaine Defoe tucked one away, as they say (why they never say stuffed the Soccer Turkey or inseminated the net with the demon seed of skill is anybody’s guess, but tonight, my money’s on it having something to do with Teddy Sheringham playing the role of head studio pundit). For a game of two halves, it wasn’t turning out to be that bad a yard of slurry. So I watched the rest of the match.

A shame, methinks, as I was quite looking forward to the distraction of a reasoned appraisal of Fabio Capello’s orbit round the Spectacle/hairdo Fashion Axis. For a footballer, he’s not far off challenging Gok Wan for top oscillation slot about this most envied of universal constants. Why, were he to make a direct bid, it’s possible to conceive of a thrills n spills moment with both men jockeying for position like suave gibbons clambering up a greasy pole before one is finally cast into the style void of despair.

Capello: Take those!

Wan: It’s ‘this’, you dumbo—

(Capello, understanding the international language of insult, lashes out at Wan with the foot that sank England at Wembley in 1973)

Capello: Take this!

Sliiiiirrrrrrppp!

Wan: Ha! You reckoned without the gallons of grease sweeping my otherwise ordinary fringe into a symbol of effeminate excess! Grease that protects me from the advance of any boot — or size 30 housewife in pants like a tent!

(Capello, noticing Wan is momentarily distracted by his own hubris like a hapless back passage Rio Ferdinand, unleashes his finest bifocals, boomerang-style, stunning the Beau of Beaumont Leys)

Wan: Why, you tarnisher of Gucci-Primark chic!

Capello: You...you — hey Stuart, what is English for—

Pearce It’s big girl’s blouse, guv...

10 comments:

Robin S. said...

So this is about football/soccer?

Just askin'...

Robin S. said...

...because....I'm SO confused! I love how it all sounds, but I'm still SO comfuse-a-lated!

Kiersten said...

You really ought to be a sports announcer. Even I'd watch if I knew things like "inseminated the net with the demon seed of skill" was going to be said.

McKoala said...

Hm, things have obviously changed in the soccer world since Chelsea won the FA cup back in 2000.

McKoala said...

If I said 2001 I'd be a more accurate soccer nerd.

Whirlochre said...

Yes — it's soccer/football, and things certainly have changed since the world's computers didn't all grind to a halt.

Roll on the Gianfranco Zola toothpaste advert and the Lenny Henry/Emile Heskey spoof Gilbert & George sketch for Children In Need...

Scarlet-Blue said...

Do any of them look good naked?
Sx

McKoala said...

I do love me a little Zola.

Whirlochre said...

He was always my favourite.

Who can forget the audacious backheel goal against Norwich?

Or the time he grew the world's longest cucumber?

Whirlochre said...

No, wait a minute — that was Alf Cobb, wasn't it?