Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Appendagio


Is it coincidence or serendipity? Happenstance, fate or chance?


You’ll recall my post about One-arm Barry. The one armed man who probably isn’t called Barry at all?

It’s not that I keep a diary of our encounters or anything, but by my reckoning, our paths cross once in a blue moon. So, to bump into him twice in the space of a fortnight has me thinking: am I upsetting the internexi of some grand celestial plan, or has Barry developed a liking for my aftershave, seeking me out with a newfound sense of sniff like the supposed heightened auditory prowess of a blind man?

To be honest, I don’t care. All that matters for now it that Barry appears to have incorporated into his incognito amputee persona a cunningly disguised appendage. No longer does he gad about the place with his empty sleeve tucked in his pocket, it seems, for now a pink hint of wrist doth he sport from twixt hem and maw of Levi.

Where the hell did he get such a thing? Did he shop online at Fake Hands R Us or lovingly render it at an adult pottery class? Or did he break into the Co-op late at night and half-inch a range of limbs from the menswear section?

More to the point — who else is at it?

That woman behind the counter at Tescos with a face like a shrink-wrapped scrotum? Maybe it’s a bundle of carpet underlay daubed in greasepaint, to disguise the fact that her head was bitten off by a police dog in 1956.

Or the guy in the bank with the goggle eyes who insists on greeting me with a hearty good morning, madam every time I cash a cheque?

Time to reconsider my mothballed boob job plan...

8 comments:

Scarlet-Blue said...

Goodness me! Do you live in Royston Vasey?
Sx

Whirlochre said...

Might as well, given the response to this post!

ril said...

Hm?

ril said...

Actually, I'm guessing that Barry put his thumb in his mouth and blew really hard causing the appendage to reappear. I've seen it done on the Discovery Channel.

Or was it the Cartoon Channel?

Anyway, they didn't have police dogs until 1963*.








*Or at least once I've finished updating Wikipedia they didn't.

ril said...

This one's just padding, really. But when people see there's a lot of comments, they'll come in to join the fun. Kind of like when a restaurant fills the tables by the window first to make the place look popular.

Trouble is, when the inevitable fight breaks out, it's the folks by the window who get all the glass in their tiramisu.

Luckily, it's sugar glass, so it just makes the tiramisu sweeter. So it's all good, really.

Whirlochre said...

Phew. Thanks, Ril.

Oddly enough, in a previous life as a care worker, I remember visits to restaurants and cafes were often occasions of great conflict. The drooling dead, it seems, never get offered the window seat...

Gnasher of the Met said...

You tell him.

Sock Monkey said...

Grow up, the lot of you...