Sunday, May 31, 2009

Saloon Of The Not Particularly Alive


Ok, here goes with the second part of my McKoala Smackdown punishment.


When I first felt her claws about my buttocks, I figured on bleeding to death. As it was, said naughty bear has done me something of a favour by forcing me to write my first short story since I was in my teens. Whether this constitutes a reward for anyone else remains to be seen.
One of my favourite comedy moments of all time has to be the baked bean scene in Blazing Saddles. Yes, it’s toilet humour of the most unashamedly childish kind, but when you’re a thirteen year-old pubescent teenager who’s sneaked into the cinema with his giggly best friend like Beavis and Butthead, it’s the Funniest Thing In The Entire World, and I swear we laughed till we ruptured every organ in our bodies.

In the weeks that followed, a multitude of cowboy stories were written, each one graced with fart scenes, swear words and puerile sexual references that would crack the starchy mantle of the staunchest conservative politician.


Thankfully/sadly, none of these stories have survived, but a while ago I did find an exercise book from the late 70s, crammed with the adventures of the last of my OTT cowboys, and having read it through, I figured that after 30-odd years, he deserved another gallop into the Wild West.


So here’s what I have: a 2000 word cowboy story. In the style of the originals, it’s screechingly heavy on the adverbs, adjectives and ridiculous imagery, and (for those of you familiar with the term), “Whirlioisms”. I’ve edited out the worst excesses, but left it more or less as it hit the page. There’s not really much of a plot, and surprisingly little farting or swearing — but it’s fun...





The Mucus Kid rode into town
on his trusty plastic horse.
He looked right up and he looked right down
and he saw the ground (of course).

From The Ballad of the Mucus Kid


The Kid gave the saloon doors a kick.

(updated version pending)

To Be Continued?

7 comments:

McKoala said...

Zombie cowboys. Plastic horses coming to life. Yes, it makes perfect sense.

You will be redeemed upon a sighting of the Funny Link.

McKoala said...

I didn't comment 'down there' (hee hee), but I liked the haunting horses a lot.

Robin S. said...

Whirl, I love your brain!!

Whirlochre said...

Funny link and aubergines to follow.

As for my brain — it has a lot to occupy it this week.

Hopefully back Wenesday with a voice post from the WIP...

Robin S. said...

Yes, please. We need a Whirl voice.

McKoala said...

Auuuuuuberrrrrgiiiiiiinnnnnnesssss

(to be said with the tone of: braiiiiiiiiiiinsssss)

Whirlochre said...

Interesting how 'insatiable' almost rhymes with 'marsupial'...