Friday, May 8, 2009

Protrudio Says Go Write! 5

You know how it goes. One minute, you’re tucking into an avocado-themed salad ciabatta, flipping through the sports section of The Guardian for photographs of Theo Walcott being shamelessly tackled, the next, you’re impaled mid-squidge by the wayward spring coils of surprise as droobulent flails of molten custard spurt through the gap between the sofa and the coffee table like the luxury hypocaust heating system of hell itself had been diverted under your living room and spontaneously ruptured in a cataclysm of ballistic pilae stacks, shattering the rarest exhibit in your wall-mounted Beatrix Potter thimble collection.

So — I wipe my lips on my napkin and wait for the inevitable rubber-clad culinary hero of renown to ride the final vanilla-yellow wave in his stylish polystyrene canoe and flop, stomach-first, onto the hearth rug.

‘Time for a competition?’ I ask, troubling a sliver of sun-dried tomato from my half-chomped ciabatta husk.

‘Too right, Big Nose — and this time, there’s Killer Prizes!'

To be honest, I’m sot sure how I feel about hanging out with Protrudio. Sure, there are tales of his exploits in the far-flung reaches of the transdimensional sweet course that bring tears to my eyes the size of glazed strawberries, and when he ripples his stomach laughing at my jokes, he could massage the tension from the most disturbed of psychopaths merely by pressing his rectus abdominis against the root of their necks, but on the downside, it takes me several days to hose down the house and pluck all the blobs of congealed custard from Geoff’s matted fur with a flea comb.

That said, here’s the writing contest...

You are a ghost. In a supermarket. You can’t touch anything, scare anyone, and you may not even be an ex-human.

What do you see on display that moves you to tears of joy or sadness? Something you recall from your mortal life? Some odd new product by which you’re fascinated?

300 words, by 11.49GMT Friday May 15th, delivered to my email inbox ( with your favourite vegetable as a Subject header.

As ever, Protrudio will pick the winner and reward all participants with a recipe from his Tome of Culinary Treats.

Your choice of a prize from the following tantalising selection...

* Chocolate

* Gravy

* Whisky miniature

* Rawlplugs

* Pencils

* A potato

* Crap crap crap crap crap mystery prize


fairyhedgehog said...

Sadly, I have no inspiration at all and yet how can I resist the allure of the potato?

Kiersten said...

Oh ho, I'm so in.

Protrudio said...

Buttered green beans received.

Yum yum!

McKoala said...

Whisky? I'm in.

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

A ghost? A competition? A supermarket and a crap mystery prize. How could anyone resist?!

sylvia said...

I would write something but I can't stop staring at Protrudio's protrusion.


Chris Eldin said...

Sounds fun!!!!
Sorry it took so long to make it over here, but you're name begins with a W. Perhaps if I link you as Abyss...


writtenwyrdd said...

Oh, for a crap crap crap crap prize I have to put my thinking cap on!

Protrudio said...

Aubergine received.