Thursday, May 14, 2009

On The Couch With Sock Monkey 2

SM: You mentioned baboons...

WO: Yeah, I know. Buzzing, buzzing, all day long, in my head, like evil gnats.

SM: Baboons like gnats?

WO: Yeah.

SM: Describe them.

WO: They’re like, all hairy and mean looking, pointing their huge backsides at me and chittering away with that weird kind of noise they make, and the leader—

SM: They have a leader?

WO: Yeah, a big one. And every time I shake my head to get them out of my mind, he goes round with a cricket bat, spurring them on to bare their backsides quicker, squealing waiieeee waiieee waieee.

SM: Actually, it’s pronounced ‘wayaye’, like Alan Shearer accepting an offer of casual sex.

WO: He does that?

SM: It’s just an example. Tell me more about the gnats.

WO: Oh, I was being poetic.

SM: To be honest, Mr Ochre, it would help me if you could keep things as factual as possible—

WO: You mean, like Alan Shearer?

SM: Hmm. Point taken. I take it you’re referring to the quality of movement the baboons evidence as you imagine them mustering en masse about you—

WO: Wait a minute. Who said anything about mustering en masse? They take it in turns, the little fuckers. And they’re real, I tell you, real.

SM: So you can touch them?

WO: Of course I can’t touch them, stupid. There’s an electrified fence patrolled by gorillas...

SM: You never mentioned that.

WO: I never got the bloody chance.

SM: Well, you have now.

WO: You want more? Like ‘electrified fence patrolled by gorillas protecting the baboons whizzing like gnats to bare their backsides at me while being beaten with a cricket bat by their enraged leader’ doesn’t clarify my predicament perfectly?

SM: Enraged, you say. Why is the leader enraged, do you think? Have you upset him?

WO: Of course I’ve upset him. Wouldn’t you? Every time he starts up with that infernal waieee waiee

SM: Wayaye...

WO: Whatever. Every time he does that, I jab him with a poker.

SM: Where from?

WO: The fireplace. Where do you bloody think?

SM: So how do you get the poker from the fireplace to inside your brain where all the baboons are?

WO: Have you never been to the circus?

SM: (cough) Of course I have. But that’s all behind me now. Your point?

WO: You must have seen someone swallow a sword. It’s exactly like that, only instead of a sword, it’s a poker, and instead of my throat, it’s my ears.

SM: You stick a poker in your ears? No wonder you’re delusional.

WO: Not all the way, you twat. Just enough to scare him.

SM: And does it work?

WO: No.

SM: Uh-oh, there goes the Proboscis Monkey Buzzer. Time’s up.

WO: Again?

SM: Again. Same time next week, Mr Ochre?

WO: It’ll have to be a fortnight, I’m afraid. I’ve got the decorators in.

SM: Refurbishing, are we?

WO: That, or casual sex...


JaneyV said...

Maybe you should lie down...

Ello said...

wayaye wayaye!!

That one made me gag on my own saliva!

Ok - I'm fine now. My throat hurts but I'm fine. ;o)

writtenwyrdd said...

"Not all the way you twat. Just enough to scare him." Bwahahaha!

Step awaaaay from the Sock Monkey.

Whirl, I think the best solution is to gag the monkey and go have a nice pint in a shady, smoky pub.

(I'm still considering how to make a sock Chthulu, however. And if you made Him your confessor/shrink you'd have a different sort of fun, I'm sure!)

fairyhedgehog said...

I don't know whether to laugh or run away.

sylvia said...

I'll have one of what the gentleman in the striped socks is drinking, thanks.

Sock Monkey said...

Personally, I blame the upholstery...

Robin S. said...

YEsssssss! Love this, babycakes.
Love it good, Mr. Ochre.

J.C. Montgomery said...

I would say something about what severe blood loss does to one's critical as well as creative thinking ability, but since this series appeared a bit before the Koala claws...

I may just have go with the alcohol/smoked herb/just plain bonkers (pick one or all three) theory.

Sarah Laurenson said...

What kind of rates does SM charge? Sounds like some major therapy is in order. Wouldn't want to say you go bust at the same time as you figure out the baboons.

Kiersten said...

What a service you do for the rest of us, Whirl. Now my constant thoughts of my brain melting and oozing out my ears don't seem nearly so bizarre in comparison.

At least I don't have to deal with baboons in there...