Saturday, April 18, 2009

Slirrupuccio (Au Jelly)


I’ve just this minute slirruped a whole sachet of Prime Beef Chunks in Jelly into Geoff’s breakfast bowl like an oiled Michael Phelps sluicing from his lycra one-piece.


This I do because I love her, and have no desire to see her wither away for want of beef.* Nonetheless, I must confess to harbouring one small base motive.

I’d promised myself an extra ten minutes in bed this morning to float about on the kind of fluffy clouds posh airlines hang outside the plane whenever they fly over Wolverhampton, but sadly, Geoff pounced on me at crack of dawn and bounded up and down on my head for an hour till I rolled over and caved in to her demands. If I hadn’t fed her, I‘d have strangled her.

Anyhow, back to my main point. Jelly. Yes.

As I stood over her, watching her chomp (and you must know, I was sorely tempted) I couldn’t help noticing she was ignoring every last chunk of beef** and concentrating solely on guzzling the jelly. The manufacturers always talk up the meat in their glossy (and overly populated by hideous Siamese) adverts, but clearly, all these choice lumps of gristle and flesh aren’t the main event for Geoff, and from what I can gather,*** this is the case for most cats. It could be that in the current climate of enforced fiscal prudence (folks), I may just have found a way of saving the world economy a few bob. Ditch the meat in cat food and simply serve them jelly.

Then it occurred to me. Maybe I’ve discovered a paradigm for universal revival. Maybe jelly is the solution for everything. All those issues in our lives we don’t want. All those things we dearly need but can’t have. Why not replace them all with cheery inexpensive jelly? After all, Geoff isn’t alone in the mammalian world.**** Wasn’t the best thing about kid’s parties the moment when the half-eaten egg and cress sandwiches were cleared away to make room for the lashings of Rowntree’s jelly?

So, help me out here. How would your life be changed for the better if some or all of the things in it were replaced by jelly?

At very least, you could come out from behind the sofa for the mad axeman scene in The Shining...




* Cats hunt cattle in the wild, you know.

** Most curious — out on the range, they hunt in packs, like lions.

*** Intermittent telepathic link. I’ll tell you about it another time.

**** I realise this may not be the case for certain marsupial visitors — but that’s your own fault for messing with evolution.

19 comments:

McKoala said...

Pffft.

Bevie said...

That's been true for my cats (when I endeavor to "treat" them to the finer foods). They suck up (Do cats suck? Mother says they do. I happen to like them.) the juicy jelly and leave the chunks to smell away.

My life would improve if my medicines were jelly. Actually, not jelly. Preserves. Raspberry. With the seeds that get suck between your teeth and gums and hurt like h*ll, but you brush them out and do it again.

Wheat bread. Peter Pan peanut butter (I believe). Smuckers Raspberry Preserves. Ummm.

writtenwyrdd said...

My cats like the gravy. I have to add water and mush it up so it's all gravy (what a metaphore for life! "It's all gravy, man!") and the remaining cat won't even eat chunks of food he actually has to chew.

If jelly replaced bones it wouldn't be a good aid to life improvement. (Remember that story about what if you had no bones?)

Chris Eldin said...

Nobody's made a sex joke yet?

Whirlochre said...

It's a disturbing thing, Chris, but I've done my very darnedest here to invite lewdness into the comment trail.

Given that Robin, Janey and Scarlet are away from their blogs for a while, that doesn't leave many of us to save the day with phallic references.

A nightmare...

writtenwyrdd said...

The best allusion I could come up with (get it? haha) was about contraceptive jelly, so I thought I'd, um, abstain...

Whirlochre said...

Oddly enough, the last time I pigged out on jelly, I spilled so much down myself that's exactly what I ended up with — ab stains.

Geoff said...

What a crap, crap pun, jelly brain.

fairyhedgehog said...

I thought it was just my cats that did that. They like the dried crunchy food well enough but they like gravy much better than meat. I think they're secretly vampires wanting to suck only blood.

Whirlochre said...

Blood that is strangely like...gravy.

Geoff currently won't touch the dried stuff. So it's jelly all the way.

writtenwyrdd said...

Sounds like a short story contest: "The blood of gravy" or a one-liner in a story, "blood for gravy". Dunno, have to think on it.

Geoff, you should be kinder to the dude with opposable thumbs. You can't open the can yourself, you know. Monkey boy is good for something, you see?

Geoff said...

You don't spell 'word' like that. Nyaaaah.

writtenwyrdd said...

*head nod* Yes, you don't spell 'word' that way, Geoff, but you do spell'wyrdd' that way. *waves fingers in ears, sticks out tongue*

writtenwyrdd said...

I know, Whirl! The name for an anthology: "Blood Sauce"

See? I knew there was something that blood gravy inspired in me. Now we have to populate the title with gore-infested horror. Maybe zombies? Stories from Outside your Window have that flavor, too.

Whirlochre said...

I'm certainly up for some hot zombie action in the future.

fairyhedgehog said...

Are zombies hot? I imagine them cold and clammy.

Whirlochre said...

Not after 40 minutes at gas mark 7.

writtenwyrdd said...

"are zombies hot?"

I would imagine they are room temperature.

Whirlochre said...

And occasionally rheum temperature.