Thursday, April 9, 2009

A Casting Off Of Albatri 7


April 9 2009, 8.30pm


Sun gold glimmer on the window latch.

Opened into air
I watch
keys of chimneys
lock the sky.

9 comments:

Kiersten said...

This made me smile. Lovely ; )

JaneyV said...

I love the image of the chimneys as keys. Fab.

Whirlochre said...

Might replace 'keys of' with 'latch keys' in ver 2.

Improvement?

JaneyV said...

So would you replace it as
I watch
latch-key chimneys
lock the sky.
?

That's good too.

Whirlochre said...

Yes — it de-ofulates, and points up the change in the sky.

Robin S. said...

Wonderful visual. I liked the original version. Simply and clean in the mental picture and evocative in feeling what it feels to be there, seeing the sight.

Whirlochre said...

Hmmm. Now I'm possessed of dilemmoid honk...

McKoala said...

Introducing 'latch' gives you repetition of 'latch' from the first line. I'm just saying.

But I love it. The chimneys. Excellent.

Whirlochre said...

Goodness, McKoala, you're absolutely right. I'm normally quite sharp with myself regarding repetitions — but not this time.