Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Protrudio Says — Hey! 4











I can confirm that all of the entries for Protrudio's very fourth writing exercise have been collected, reflected upon, and presented on a bed of steaming waffles to the Custard Adventurer Extraordinaire himself.

First to post was that marsupial minx from Down Under, the delightful McKoala...

There was a young man called Protrudio
Who lived in a land of sweet ooze-io
But Whirl sickened of custard
And turned it to mustard
And Protrudio knew he was screwed-io


Being an extremely naughty sort of cuddly-yet-deadly koala, she cheekily suggested I post a photo from my own collection of ubervillains, so how about this bizarre apology for a Sinister Creeper Abouter? My attic cleaner...




He lurks, he skulks, but mainly he gads about the rafters, adopting pseudo-horror poses ad ridiculous. Consider him added to the list of Whirl's Imaginary Friends.

Next up is the magnificently awesome Kiersten, who has not only put the boat out for this one, but also filled it to bursting with the sort of fun and wonder we've come to expect from someone who will do anything for chocolate. Seriously.

The wobbly, yellow, slightly disturbing man rushed through the Swamps of Swimmingly Salubrious Stew. He was in ever such a hurry.
“Hiiii-YA!” A tiny, slightly out of focus Japanese girl jumped out of a particularly tasty looking patch of goulash, swinging a katana longer than she was tall. “Fat and wobbly man! You will never see the plains of custard alive! I make sushi of your sliced remains!”


Protrudio considered it. On the one hand, her twirly red bow and purple hair showed she clearly meant business—and not just funny business, the serious kind. On the other hand, he really, really wanted some custard. There was only one thing for it.
“Clearly you have not been watching my latest infomercial, Protrudio Does the Classics. If you had, you would have seen that I’m now offering, along with my full line of Terrifically Tumbly Tumms Like Mine workout videos, the new and improved Slasher-Dasher-Tumbleratorizer, perfect for neutralizing even the most stubborn vegetables and grisly chicken, or, in this case, miniature Japanese schoolgirls. Let me give you a demonstration.”
After a display so violent and bloody it would put even the horrors of the Teletubbies to shame, Protrudio was once again on his way, minus one enemy and plus one katana, perfect for slicing those foodstuffs too massive for his regular carving machete. Pleased with himself, he entered the plains of custard in his celebratory way, with a triple-loop-de-loop through the flaming bundt cakes of death and deliciousness—complete with cherry topping, no less.
He was greeted by a strange and horrifying sight.


Before he could consider whether any of them would be any good for fish and chips, he was pelted by wads of spectacularly specious spittle—spittle that soon began transforming him into the same nauseatingly Technicolor hues.


“Great gobs of galloping grease, I’ve been hit!” he cried. Fearing for his life, he swam past the treacherously adorable fish and straight to his undercustard lair. He made it just in time, discovering that not only was that much color tiring to the eyes, it also drained most of his considerable sugary energy. He crawled into bed among all of his undersea stuffed friends—each one waiting exactly where he left them. Just before his eyes sealed shut, he noticed one new addition.


It was already too late. Will Protrudio survive to mince, dice, boil, and season again?


Doubtful.


And finally, weighing in with bo sticks blazing is the eerily prolific Natalie, with this Ninja Cyborg sketch...



It only remains for me to hand over to the Vanilla-Flavoured Gloop Guzzler himself for a few congratulatory words — and a recipe...


Vanilla? Vanilla? I have more than a few tales to tell of that crazed denizen of the underworld, I can tell you. But first, to the business of the day: the celebratory wahoos for our worthy contest winner, and — urk...aaaark...urghhh — before I open the envelope, let me slip out of this obscenely tight rubber costume and into something more comfortable. Like an obscenely baggy rubber costume. And this dinky partridge feather foot muff. Niiiice.

Ahem. And, the winner this time around is...Kiersten. Slurpilicious chocolate will be on its way soon enough, as promised, and in the mean time, here's one of my favourites from my forthcoming recipe spectacular, Protrudio's Spectacular Recipes...


PROTRUDIO'S CELEBRATED SQUISHY TOMATO MOMSTER SPLAT


One thing that never fails to heap uncheer on my colossal custardy shoulders is the amount of waste generated by supermarkets, so whenever I stock up on excessively fatty treats for my larder in between adventures, I make a point of seeking out the Clearance Aisle with my infra-red goggles.

The only ingredients you'll need for this recipe are the squishiest tomatoes you can find. Oh, and a Mom.

To help you choose the right consistency of squishy tomatoes, here's a quick guide...

If you're able to perform a drum roll on the tomato, it is TOO RIPE.

If the tomato is green, it is either TOO RIPE or MOULDY.

If you can depress the skin of the tomato by one whole centimetre and it doesn’t spring back when you remove your finger, it is JUST RIGHT. If it bursts, it is PERFECT.

If the tomato squeaks and bites you, it is A HAMSTER.

If you’re doing nothing in particular and harming no-one and you suddenly feel a sharp stinging sensation on your arm, back or bum, it is a WASP.

For those of you stuck for a Mom, I can personally recommend Moms-R-Us, Moms-UR-Kidding and Moms-4-Shops-Where-UC-No-Us (all of which boast free parking, crèche services and tranquiliser dispensers for the parents of larger families).

Now you have all your ingredients, let's get whupping them together in a frenzy of stomach-pleasuring glee.

First, secure your Mom. Have her seated, if possible, and preferably trussed. Remember, folks: linguine doesn't just taste nice, it's a practical alternative to rope, too. If you lack a suitable armchair/purpose-built Mom restraint, why not invest in a Captain Tootsie Tickly Seat (which currently ships with two free feather dusters and a selection of jokes by Ken Dodd).

When you've secured your Mom (and be warned, some Moms have been known to attempt an heroic escape at this point), hold the first of the tomatoes twelve inches above the top of her head. If you're small, you may have to stand on a box. If your Mom is small, she may have to stand on a larger box. If the whole family is gathered round taking photos and videos, boxes are optional as there may not be space — unless your Mom is secured in one of captain Tootsie’s Luxury Tickling Suites.*

Gently squeeze the tomato till the juice and seeds squish between your fingers onto the head of your Mom in a manner guaranteed to promote hilarity, enhance skin tone and, in all likelihood, accelerate Whirl's excruciating demise.

Then repeat, till all your tomatoes are duly squished and your Mom quits shrieking with boundless joy.

But remember — don’t eat the tomatoes. This is a recipe for fun.


• Holds 25 — 26 if someone pretends not to be there.


Thanks once again to Protrudio and all who sailed in him this time around. So, Kiersten, if you want that chocolate, email away.

More custardy fun soon, folks...

8 comments:

Kiersten said...

I'm SO pleased. And it was a family effort, after all. The Japanese Schoolgirl pop-up card was made by none other than Hot Stuff, I painted the fish, and Nayna was my model/horrifying creature.

Does this mean I'll share the chocolate with them?

Absolutely not.

JaneyV said...

The entries were sterling! Kiersten you are a worthy winner. I have photos taken of my kids sitting in the middle of the cuddly toy mountain in the Disney Store. What I don't have is one of them screaming their heads off as I dragged them away from it!

Sorry for my lack of entry Whirl. I'm trying to catch up on the life stuff I missed being an invalid for nearly a month. I'm a bit dubious about your squishy tomato recipe for fun! - sounds like a recipe for getting yourself killed to me!

Natalie said...

Yay! Kiersten won! She went all out for that chocolate, so well deserved. What a scary monster.

Whirlochre said...

Your family effort will be rewarded, Kiersten.

As for you, Janey, I hope you're suitably disinvalidated. It's no fun being out of action, as I learned to my cost during the dark (and mucotronic) month of December.

And it's true, Natalie — she did, she did.

McKoala said...

Poor Protrudio! How he has suffered! Congrats Kiersten!

writtenwyrdd said...

See, I couldn't have competed with that.

Congrats to chocolate-hogging Ms. K. (I would, too.)

scarlet-blue said...

So is the donkey in the custard???
Sx

...and congrats on your award!

Whirlochre said...

The way things are going right now, I'm convinced the donkey is responsible for the custard.