Thursday, January 29, 2009

Actually, 46 Per Cent Is Pretty Good...


Hmmm. The gushing praise I promised Robin for coming top in my recent quiz has come out a bit...weird. Any hint of light verse is conspicuous by its absence and the only gushing I’ve evidenced since the weekend involved spilling a glass of milk over Geoff.


I feel like a cheat.

So I must rush out and buy one immediately with some uneaten chocolate money from Christmas.

Meanwhile, here’s what I came up with as I struggled to find suitable rhymes for words like wonderful, multi-talented and sweetie...


Bobbin’ Robin
met a pieman
skipping to a place where poems
neither rhymed nor scanned.

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘How much for a beef and onion pasty, pal —
and do they come with mayo?’

Said the pieman
to Bobbin’ Robin,
‘Depending on size,
they’re two, three and five dollars apiece,
but the mayo is fifty cents whatever.’

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘It’s a shame you don’t have any for four dollars.
I’ve got exactly four fifty in change.
That would have been perfect.’

Said the pieman
to Bobbin’ Robin,
‘Yeah. Ain’t life a bitch?
So, what’ll you have?
A three ‘n’ mayo,
a two ‘n’ mayo or—’

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘Hey — problem solved.
Can I get a coupla two dollar pasties and a mayo?’

Said the pieman
to Bobbin’ Robin,
‘Sorry, but I only got the one two dollar pasty left.
Tell you what, if you don’t want to break into a note,
I’ll do you a two and a three for four fifty.
How about that?’

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘No. I gotta have mayo.
Look, here’s ten dollars.
I’m real hungry, so can I get
two threes and two mayos?’

Said the pieman
to Bobbin’ Robin,
‘In theory, yes,
but I only got a coupla dollars in change.’

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘That’s OK. If I give you twelve dollars,
you can give me five dollars back.

Said the pie man
to Bobbin’ Robin,
‘No can-do, sister.
All I got’s a bunch of ten dollar bills, see?
I just had a rush on Pie Man Specials.’

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘OK, I gotta ask.
What’s a Pie Man Special?’

Said the pieman
to Bobbin’ Robin,
‘Two fours and two mayos,
plus a fridge magnet with my
logo on it.
You interested?’

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘If it’s the only way I’m gonna get to eat,
I’ll take a Pie Man Special
and you can keep the change.’

Said the pieman
to Bobbin’ Robin,
‘Hey, I made those fridge magnets myself.
What are trying to do?
Break my goddamn heart?’

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘No. I just want my goddamn dinner.
Now gimme the pasties,
you big cry-baby.’

Said the pieman
to Bobbin’ Robin,
‘Shan’t.’

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘Look, do I have to get tough with you?
You’re getting more out of this than me, buster.
You’re selling me more pasty than I actually want
and making a friggin’ dollar on the fridge magnet.
So what’s your problem?’

Said the pieman
to Bobbin’ Robin,
‘Hey! What’s going on, sister?
First you diss my fridge magnets,
and now you’re saying I got some sorta problem!
What next? You beat me up and steal my wares?’

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘Nah. Keep your goddamn pasties.
I’m gettin’ me a pizza.’

Said the pieman
to Bobbin’ Robin,
‘Fuck you!’

Said Bobbin’ Robin
to the pieman,
‘Asshole.’

10 comments:

writtenwyrdd said...

I like this one. By the way, the Star Trek captioned photos in the side bar are a hoot.

Dave King said...

Wow, you really went to town on that one!

Kiersten said...

Hmm...I guess I'm not so bummed out that I didn't win, after all.

This is truly a Robinlicious poem.

JaneyV said...

Robin will be thrilled that she inspired such a beautiful and inspiring poetic vignette. The ending was heartbreaking. I hope Bobbin Robin's visit to the pizza pieman was less confrontational.

And now I really fancy a pasty. Cheese, onion and potato please - hold the mayo (who puts mayo on a pasty?)

You are a master of comic (almost) verse Whirl. (and by that I mean almost verse not almost comic - it was very comical!)

McKoala said...

That was very, very funny. I think she'll like it. It won't be what she expects, but I think she'll like it.

Robin S. said...

Whirl, my friend,

With intro word like...struggled to find suitable rhymes for words like wonderful, multi-talented and sweetie... I was already ready to love my poem, and I do!

Your comedic verse is right up my proverbial alley. (And you even have my personality down. Heh.)

Whirlochre said...

Personally, I thought it was tender and touching, but I'll settle for comedic.

Mary said...

Note to self: Always go to Tesco, or, better yet, to Morrisons if I am starving, short of time, feeling non-confrontational, or just don’t want a pie.

writtenwyrdd said...

Now I want a pasty. Or a piroghi. Or a pot pie. Mmmmmm. And I confess to loving steak and kidney pie when done properly.

Whirlochre said...

I'll arrange for Feed The Writer to airlift some crates of grub...