Thursday, January 15, 2009

The 100th Post Of Joy And Wonder


I’m pleased to announce that the winner of the Abysswinksback 100th Post “Have Your Say, Win A Prize” competition is none other than the delightful Shona Snowden, whose suggestion of a quiz wowed me so much, the hairs leapt off my legs and hid away under a cushion till I’d calmed myself down with a king size bowl of Corn Flakes.


So, Shona, if you want to email me your details, I’ll be more than happy to furnish you with my very best crap crap crap crap crap prize.

As for everyone else who chipped in with requests, your ideas were such fun to ponder that I’ve based the content of the quiz loosely on the material you provided.

So — to the quiz itself. It follows below in the form of a voice post, with supplementary text for those of you lacking speakers or ears. There are ten multiple choice questions worth a total of 62½ points, which all visitors to this blog are welcome to answer in the comments trail before the deadline of 11.55pm on Saturday January 17th. Whoever scores the highest stands to win a bonus prize of my choice of a limerick, haiku or joke written about them (or in the case of anyone from the UK, possibly gravy). In the event of I tie, I shall garotte the nearest zombie and pick out a winner by consulting the oracle of its decaying flesh. Call me mean, but clause 6.32b of the Abysswinksback Ludicrous Small print states that Ms Snowden, having already won a crap crap crap crap crap prize, is ineligible for this bonus, even if she scores the full 62½ points. But I’m sure she’ll think of a way round that one.

Fingers on buzzers...

QUESTION ONE
For five points —

In the comments trail of the post that spawned this one, I said (and I quote) “I've not been called babycakes since the last time someone bit my cherry off.”

But was I being

a) Humourous
b) Ridiculous
c) Tortured
d) All three — and this one, even though it isn’t anything?


QUESTION TWO
For seven points —

I’ve never engaged in mortal combat with any number of ninjas, least of all, none. But which British TV celebrity have I danced, eaten a curry, and escaped from a stag night in a big white car with?

a) Mark Lamarr
b) Vic Reeves
c) Sanjeev Bhaskar
d) Gok Wan


QUESTION THREE
For nine points —

Geoff’s real name is, of course, Jessie Lettuce, on account of her being the scarediest of my original 90s trio of kitties. But what were her brother and sister called?

a) Vincent and Rosie
b) Plog and Moonie
c) Wuff Cat and Fluff Cat
d) Scowly and Tess


QUESTION FOUR
For eleven points —

I haven’t eaten pink blancmange for as long as I can remember, but if I had a huge tub of the stuff in front of me right this very minute now, what would I most like to do with it?

a) Dunk both feet in it.
b) Invite Girly of Whirly to ladle it onto my bared man boobs
c) Throw it at my next door neighbour’s stupid, stupid, stupid dog
d) Eat it


QUESTION FIVE
For two points —

If ever I fell in love with a mermaid while wearing a kilt, and she turned out to be a connoisseur of distinguishing body marks, and there was a tornado, and my kilt blew off, and we didn’t die, what would she see?

a) An embarrassing tattoo of a dragon (that looks like a bloody cabbage) on my right arm
b) A scar on my chin from a teenage accident involving a drunk hairdresser
c) A Cro-Magnon lump on the back of my head the size of a giant gobstopper
d) Ear lobes longer than my one remaining leg


QUESTION SIX
For four points —

I’ve never encountered a Jabberwocky, and probably couldn’t gyre and gimble in the wabe if the Mumbulent Sporp threatened to de-widgermericulate me with the scroops of its pentabile wobb. But what do I call my kettle?

a) The Boileroonio
b) The Toile Dookey
c) The Stee Stow Stoo
d) The Ket Ket Kaboodlium


QUESTION SEVEN
BANSHEES IN CUPBOARDS

For 6 points —

In the film, Conan The Marauding Pink Fur Apple Potato The Movie III: The Entrail Swamp Of Gutbolus Ploop, what does Conan say to the twenty-headed hydra lich just before he slashes off all of its heads with a cheese knife?

a) This’ll stop your infernal singing, you hideous, scaly would-be Welsh male voice choir
b) Outta my way, I need a pee real bad
c) What kind of Underworld is this, can’t you afford a proper three-headed dog?
d) I’m Conan, I’m Conan, and fighting gives me a bone-on


QUESTION EIGHT
For 8 points —

When the finger-severing aliens returned the digits they hacked from my hands and toes, they wrapped them up in a ladies’ handbag, which cheered me up no end.

But is this because

a) They threw in an free ogre’s thumb so I wouldn’t be mad
b) The handbag is a perfect repository for all of Geoff’s toy mice
c) Thanks to the butterfly effect, I found a five pound note walking home from the Digit Returning Alien Silo
d) I really am a pre-op transvestite


QUESTION NINE
For ten points —

Which of the following is not a quotation from my soon-to-be-finished-thank-the-lord-I-think-I’m-going-to-die novel?

a) He held out an empty beer glass to catch her squirting fluids
b) All ship’s computers are fundamentally zany. It’s a genre thing.
c) Dann-Glarr stirred like a bowl of frozen Mulligatawny encased in solid concrete
d) This time, there was no mistaking it: the lumps in the gravy were alive, and slightly oversalted


QUESTION TEN
For half a point —

Which of the following vile cocktails is the one I’d be most likely to keep down while watching the boiled egg eating scene in Cool Hand Luke?

a) Cappuchino and Coke
b) Lapsang Souchong and 7UP
c) Espresso and Tizer
d) Earl Grey and Dr Pepper

20 comments:

blogless troll said...

1) d
2) b
3) d
4) a
5) a
6) a
7) d
8) b
9) b

blogless troll said...

Crap. I was interrupted by a malfunctioning robot.

10) b

Natalie said...

So, I'm just gonna do what I did in school when I didn't study.

C, for all of them.

Grats on 100 posts! It's been a wild ride, for sure.

Kiersten said...

The Joy! The Wonder! A quiz where I can't possibly feel competitive because it was too funny!

Excellent.

1) e) One of the above
2) c) Sanjeev Baskar, but he was under the impression that you were a post-op transvestite, and kicked you out halfway home upon discovering otherwise, at which point Gok Wan picked you up.
3) b) Plog and Moonie. No piffy comments on this one, I just hope that they were really named that.
4) c) Unless the dog is actually stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, in which case it wouldn't do any good and you should just d) eat it.
5) Trick question. You used the kilt to distract us, making us think that it would be something that none of us had previously seen, when in fact you are referring to the fact that your eyebrows are actually sentient beings living a pleasant parasitic life, feeding off of your unusual brainwaves.
6) d), clearly. But what does your kettle call you?
7) Alas, since Conan the Marauding Pink Fur Apple Potato the Movie III: The Entrail Swamp of Gutbolus Ploop was rated R, I couldn't see it. But I hope the answer was b.
8) d). And I want my purse back.
9) If any of those lines AREN'T in the book, they should be added post-haste. But I'll vote for a.
10) e) Diet Coke and Pop Rocks. Allegedly it makes your stomach explode, which would make any movie scene watchable, as you'd be dead.

fairyhedgehog said...

"Whirl clad in an almost intangible frilly negligeé".

Breathe, breathe, breathe. Are hearts meant to sound that loud? And breathe, breathe, breathe.

Cogitation doesn't seem to happen with that wonderful voice sounding in my ears and the laugh... No, I mustn't think about the laugh.

Questions. Yes, that's right, and answers. OK, I can do this.


Question 1. I don't understand all of answer d so it must be that one.

Question 2. It must be someone I haven't heard of so I'll guess c. Sanjeev Bhaskar.

Question 3. I'm guessing c. because Wuff Cat and Fluff Cat sound so cool when you say them. Ahem. Focus.

Question 4. If your weather is anything like ours, it's too cold to do anything but c and throw it at the dog. Anyway, Geoff will like that one.

Question 5. If your kilt blew off the mermaid would not be looking at any of those, so it's a trick question. I'll guess c., the bump on the head, because I don't want to think of any permanent disfigurement of your manly beauty.

And breathe.

Where was I? This is a bloody long quiz. Oh yes,

Question 6. c.The Toile Dookey because it's the only one that no one else would ever call a kettle.

Question 7. b. Out of my way I need a pee real bad - because it fits in with current themes of farting that seem to be in the air. So to speak.

Question 8. I'm sure you have a secret soft spot for Geoff despite all her shenanigans so I'm guessing b. The handbag is a perfect repository for all of Geoff’s toy mice

Question 9. Now the trick here is to identify the only sentence that another human being might conceivably say or write. So although b is funny, I have to say b. All ship’s computers are fundamentally zany. It’s a genre thing.

Question 10. I can only go by my instincts here. Coffee and Coke have more in common than the other drinks so a) Cappuchino and Coke it is. Just don't go asking for it at freddie's café.

Kiersten said...

Ah, crud. Does FH get bonus points for shameless flirting? I didn't know there was extra credit.

fairyhedgehog said...

I didn't see your comment till after I posted mine, Kiersten. Your answers are very funny!

But I have to say that I was not shamelessly flirting. It's just that Whirl's voice has that effect on me. And he is cute. And he does wear a kilt.

Oh, all right all right. Maybe I was flirting just a little bit. It wasn't shameless though.

Robin S. said...

1.d
2.c
3.b
4.c
5.b (And, by the way, the kily vis was nice, but there were no kilt-hidden bod parts mentioned, ya know...)
6.a
7.d (Even if you don't say that, I wish you did.)
8.b
9.c
10. d (These are all creepy soundin', by the way.)

McKoala said...

Mighty smart, that Shona.

Robin S. said...

Also, where's the damn kilt-in-a-chair pic, huh? I'm just saying...

FH and I were wanting to see that, ya know.

McKoala said...

I was going to listen to your dulcet tones, but am surrounded by family and feel that may not be appropriate for little ears. Or grown up ones. So, hoping I'm not missing any little nuances of Whirlydom, here I go:

1. d
2. a
3. d
4. c
5. a
6. d
7. a
8. b
9. c
10. c


But it all sounds very unlikely.

Mary said...

Happy 100th, Whirl!

And congratulations to Shona!

The Podbean appears temporarily disabled (which is probably a problem at my end). So I’ll pop back later, as I consider it my duty to listen to the quiz in its auditory glory before daring to respond.

Mary said...

You should apply for a patent, then licence yourself for mass-production as a laugh-out-loud machine. I would definitely buy one! (And I thought the skimpy nightwear a very nice touch.)

1. d
2. b
3. d
4. a
5. a
6. b
7. c
8. c
9. b
10. c

Guess work all the way...

Whirlochre said...

Quiz Update

The good news is that I haven't even begun to check on who's winning.

So it's all still to play for...

fairyhedgehog said...

Hurry up, Whirl! I want to know if I've won that gravy or not.

Whirlochre said...

I'm hoping to announce the lucky winner tomorrow — along with all 10 correct answers.

Nice to hear you're a gravy fan. If the oceans had been gravy rather than water, I'd definitely have moved to Hawaii and become a surfer...

Kiersten said...

Oooh, the winner! Whoohoo!

Whirlochre said...

OK folks, that's all entries in. Contest closed. When I've woken myself up, fed Geoff and cooked lunch, I'll get back to you with news of the winner.

JaneyV said...

Dammit! I could've been a contender! I know the answer to all these cookies. (Of course it does help that I tuned in after you'd printed them - but still).

Sorry I missed this Whirl. I giggled like a schoolgirl listening to you read them out. That was a great touch. Damn my sleepy head and it's inability to read, dammit to heck!

Whirlochre said...

I know you'd have scored full marks, Janey. Honest I do.