Sunday, December 21, 2008

Realistic Foaming Blood Capsules — Hur Hur, Fool Your Pals...


Today has not been a particularly good day for failing to resemble a walrus assaulted by its dentist with a variety of whizzy parerphinalia.


Why so?

All my life I’ve been prone to nose bleeds — which either means I have hyperactive bone marrow, possess a particularly feeble nasal membrane architecture or have no idea people keep whacking me over the head with cricket bats every time my back is turned. The upshot of my recent mucoid woes is that I’ve blown both nostrils soggying up the aloe vera tissues, and today I spent most of my lunch hour with my head hung over the sink like some sort of vampire trap. I can’t tell you how many loo rolls I’ve had up my nose. OK then — half. But that’s a lot of loo rolls for a nose. That’s, like, a quarter of a roll per nostril. You try having a quarter of a loo roll sticking out each of your bleeding nostrils without looking like a walrus assaulted by its dentist with a variety of whizzy parerphinalia.

Anyhow, I’m feeling light-headed now, and may have to lie down in a darkened room with a scented colander...

22 comments:

Robin S. said...

Is it time for the doctor? I think it might be!

Also, I seem to remember nosebleeds sometimes coming from a combination of havig a cold (big surprise, with all that blowing going on) AND dry air. So,
what about some steam? Seriously.

Whirlochre said...

I'm just about to consume a plate of pasta bursting at the seams with chilli peppers, so hopefully that will do the trick.

Failing that, I could dial for a randy Turkish wrestler and ask for the Executive Service.

Robin S. said...

Ha!

Well, I'm trying to remember these things we had - I think they were called vaporizers or humidifiers or something, and you poured water in them and plugged in the machine, and it shot jets of hot steam toward your face.

Just a thought - AND - stay hydrated - and I don't mean beer or wine, ya know!

writtenwyrdd said...

Try an ice pack at the back of your skull. If the resulting migraine doesn't make you forget about a silly thing like a gushing nosebleed you need a doctor.

Seriously, this is not something to pass off. Sounds like cauterization is in order. But you could always try a couple of jumbo tampons, one for each nostril. Even have a handy pull string for easy removal!

Whirlochre said...

The jumbo tampons sound like a fantastic idea and I'm going to try them anyway. As you say, they have string, and as it's Christmas, I could always hang small baubles from them.

Dave King said...

I have a grandson who had the same problem, but he seems to have grown out of it, maybe your bone marrow will wind down a bit before long...

JaneyV said...

Please please please take a photo of you with the tampons up your nose. I have this problem by the end of hayfever season and basically it's down to wear and tear on the mucus membranes.

According to my first aid course (I am qualified!) it's actually not a good idea to stuff wadding up your nose as this will draw the blood out. And if it does scab over, you could dislodge the scab by removing the wadding. You should put an icepack over the bridge of your nose whilst simultaneously pinching it as hard as you can. It can take several minutes to stop. If it doesn't by 10 minutes - you should seek medical assistance (people have nose-bled to death). Don't tilt your head back - just hold it normally while standing over a sink.

Bon chance Whirlio.

Whirlochre said...

Please please please take a photo of you with the tampons up your nose.

Now I'm having trouble with liquid gushing from my tear ducts.

Kiersten said...

Oh--and here is a story. My dad knew a young man who was spending the night at his girlfriend's house. Not that way, you know, he was Mormon. So he was on the couch. Nervous that his snoring would bother her, he grabbed a couple of tampons out of the bathroom and put them in his nose, then went to sleep.

And asphyxiated.

Can you imagine what it must have been like for the girlfriend when she walked out in the morning? Not only is her boyfriend lying on the couch with tampons up his nose, he's also dead.

Which is really, truly sad. And so completely bizarre. So, hold off on the tampons.

Anyhow--this sounds miserable, having spent my fair share of time leaned over a sink or toilet and watching my nose bleed. Get a vaporizer--puts steam into the air, just like Robin was saying.

Whirlochre said...

I thought Janey had finished me off for the day — but no!

Not only is her boyfriend lying on the couch with tampons up his nose, he's also dead.

Beware The Mormon Tampon Death Story Of Doom, folks. I bruised my ribs laughing at this.

Dunno about you lot, but I'm enjoying my Monday so far...

Whirlochre said...

Oh, and before anyone accuses me of heartless cruelty, it's not the dead guy I'm laughing at, but Kiersten's words.

JaneyV said...

Tragic - true - but you gotta admit it's really funny!

(is anybody else wondering why the guy didn't just open his mouth?

Whirlochre said...

I'd have drilled a hole through the cntre, like bucatini.

Kiersten said...

Well, the poor dear was asleep.

So glad I could brighten your bloody (literally! I'm not swearing!) morning with tales of horribly strange and pathetic deaths.

Whirlochre said...

You do us all a great honour, Kiersten.

Mary said...

Wow. Sounds bad.

In remote parts of Congo this affliction is known as ‘brain-flushing’. It is caused by a rare gene found in only 0.000000000000000038001% of the European population, who posses the combination trigger of an active imagination and an over-zealous circulatory system.

Hope it stops soon!

Whirlochre said...

Whirl Health Update

Well enough today to do the following:

1) Refrain from bleeding, snotting, moaning, aching, whingeing etc.
2) Go Christmas shopping.
3) Peel Liederhosen from fat German with own teeth.

Kiersten said...

I thought only my family did that for Christmas!

Mom In Scrubs said...

Not to worry, dear Whirl...it's just the alien implants in your hypothalamus.

The bleeding generally subsides on its own...till next time.

The thought of you with ornament-festooned, bucatiniesque xtra large tampons slowly expanding in each nostril is enough to make me snort hard enough to expel my own hypothalamic implant....damn, the aliens will be pissed!

Well, at least you've switched from mucus to blood. Blood I can handle. Mucus? Not so much.

Whirlochre said...

And today — air!

It's like waking up to a massage from Liberace.

Ello said...

Oh my youngest gets lots of nosebleeds - it is usually right after she picks it a little too vigorously...

Feel better!

Have a wonderful holiday and see you in the new year!

Best,
E

writtenwyrdd said...

That's probably the funniest comment string yet, Whirl.

Failing in the tampons you could also recycle Geoff's hairballs, but that suggestion probably just grossed out 99.9% of your readership.

Me, I'm rather hard to gross out via writing.