Tuesday, December 16, 2008

No Partridge, No Pear Tree


For the past couple of days, a pair of pigeons have been visiting my garden and sitting in the tree in the rain. I’m assuming they’re a mating pair — they don’t look like a couple of blokes discussing the ups and downs of the pigeon football league, and although they’ve pecked at one another quite viciously on occasion, their demeanour lacks the full-on lust for bloodshed of females shamelessly bitchin’.


As I gaze out on this scene, desperately hoping, it has to be said, for flurries of festive snow and bulbous red reindeer schnozzles to burst through the gloom, I’m reminded that this is a time for giving as well as receiving (lots of chocolate, this year, please — oh, and a Beano annual and plenty of little surprises that make me sigh, ‘oh you shouldn’t have’ or ‘it’s a nice colour, but do I wear it, eat it or trim Geoff’s whiskers with it?’) and I’m moved to scatter the lawn with husks of dried bread, pigeon-friendly sunflower seeds, and anything from the fridge that’s been sat in a bowl covered in clingfilm for over a fortnight.

Ha! I jest! But here’s the interesting thing. Mother of Girly Of Whirly (for both, indeed, exist*) makes delicious Christmas puddings for the whole family every year which, in spite of their abundance of joyous flavours and textures, are big enough to mass constipate a herd of elephants, and as I’m rooting around in the freezer among the emergency supplies for use in the event of nuclear attack (as anti-mutant missiles), what should I discover but a single slice of figgy pudding wrapped in greaseproof paper circa Christmas 2007?

So — treats all round, I say. In the run-up to the big day, I shall dispense festive cheer to the dicky birds of the universe a spoonful at a time, singing like a benevolent angel. Or, at very least, Nigella Lawson with a stinking cold.


* My penance for demanding to come back as a dragon when the Lord had me earmarked for a slug.

19 comments:

JaneyV said...

My mother was the pudding maker in my family. She made the best fruitcake but the pudding was the definition of stodge. I'm told by people who like that kind of thing that hers was fabulous but alas it was one of her talents I could never bring myself to truly appreciate.

I wonder if the pigeons will be able to fly when they're full of pud!

writtenwyrdd said...

Mmmm, puddings. I hope you have a lovely run up to the Big Day of Food and Frolicking, Whirl.

We are forgoing the usual having of friends over and eating too much due to closing on the new house on 12/23, and then the ensuing chaos of prepping and moving. Bleh. Rotten time of year to move.

As far as impending karma goes, perhaps being a slug is more fun than a dragon. I mean, you could play in mud all day and ooze slime. What boy wouldn't like that?

Aerin said...

"Females shamelessly bitchin'?"

You've been to my house at Christmas, haven't you???

Dave King said...

Both charming and a lot of fun - an unusual combination.

Kiersten said...

Wait...mother of girly of Whirly...that could be the mother of your daughter (but I'm pretty sure there's just the Son of Whirl, right?) or your mother-in-law.

I'm pretty sure it means mother-in-law, but the idea of a miniature, female Whirl running around is quite pleasant.

candicekennington said...

I just kept thinking as I was reading your post. His version of English is so much better than mine.

Kiersten said...

(Also, what's up with the cards at the bottom?)

Whirlochre said...

Thanks chums.

Not sure how much I'll be around in the next few days — heavy duty real world stuff.

Shame — I really wanted to talk pudding. I really wanted to eat pudding. I really wanted to plunge, headfirst from a tall, tall, diving board into a huge, huge...

Mom In Scrubs said...

I got a Christmas Pudding last year from a friend (who is a fabulous cook). It was really really BAD.

Everyone I asked to try it agreed.

It must be a gene that I was not born with that makes one appreciate such a thing!!

My favorite holiday treat is Pecan Pie. yum, yum!

Whirlochre said...

Whenever I think of pecans, I think of parrots' beaks or miniature incas, so I've never been particularly attracted to this kind of pie. Plus, the nuts themselves look like hamster brains.

Walnuts, however, are too scrotoid to fulfil any function beyond accompanying week-old stilton into the bin and aiming at the cat. But I love 'em.

Robin S. said...

Random notes....

"dicky bird" reminded me of Richard Harris.

Mother of girl of whirly - she must be a patient woman with one helluva sense of humor! (Or humour, as the case may be...) But she gets to have those kilty knees in bed with her nightly, so there's that.

I like almost all pudding except blood pudding. That stuff is disgusting. They kept giving it to me at these breakfast places in Ireland. Yuck-o.

I'm glad you feed the birds. I feed the neighborhood cats and raccoons.

That is all. For now.

writtenwyrdd said...

I have had plum pudding made by a british gal, and it was good. But I love steak and kidney pie and other sorts of pub food. Hate bangers, though. And your catsup tastes funny across the pond, lol. (Go fish and chips!)

Wyrdd's Pug said...

Want see Geoff in funny cracker hat. Wuff wuff.

ril said...

I went to the food hall of the local department store yesterday and found Walker's Rich Fruit cake and Walker's mini Christmas puds nestling on a shelf next to the rice crackers.

I am now rich-fruitily better off, but disproportionately financially worse off. But it is my guilty little secret while the family are away (for they care not for the delights of rich fruit and brandy flavoring.)

Whirlochre said...

I adore fruit cake. If I knew an easily led bespoke tailor with no self regard, I'd get him/her to make me a suit from the stuff. Great way to feed the birds, that. I could just walk out into the garden and have them flap all over me. As for catsup — never had it.

sylvia said...

I just used up last year's Christmas Pudding - in ice cream! I made a vanilla ice cream (custard and cream, really), added in chunks of putting and then threw it in the freezer, stirring every half hour. It got scarfed up in minutes and not a soul complained about leftovers.

Thinking about it, you could make it a lot easier by buying vanilla icecream and letting it sit out for half an hour before adding the pudding chunks and refreezing.

Oh no, I want more, now ;(

Whirlochre said...

Yeah, all of that, blended.

And a straw.

writtenwyrdd said...

"I could just walk out into the garden and have them flap all over me."

Sounds kinky.

Whirlochre said...

Maybe — especially when they peck the pecans from my naked pecs.