Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Procrastinatorium 3


Slow progress so far this week on the WIP, mainly due to a glut of sentences riddled with buts. Some, I've cunningly morphed into yets, and others I've turned on their heads to make ands, but (there I go again), my mountain of gluteal conjunctions remains unbulldozed.


So, as a distraction from the task of solving this monstrous conundrum, I've got myself started on a limerick.

Want to help?

There was a young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlll-
lantysiliogogogoch,

102 comments:

Robin S. said...

...who sat on his big hairy bollock(s)...

Robin S. said...

Now get back to work and split up some of them thar sentences, young man.

Whirlochre said...

...he squished them both small
then bounced off like a ball
now he's orbiting Vulcan with Spock.

Nothing like a bit of ruptured testicle humour to get me going, thanks Robin.

Natalie said...

Isn't it great to read your own stuff and find so much repetition?

My plagues: "just" and "even"

All over the place, just like in every sentence even.

Kiersten said...

Sorry, Whirl, I don't speak Welsh. (I'm assuming that's the name of a Welsh city.) Otherwise I'd help.

I use way too many complex sentences in my writing. I can't help myself.

BUT I have faith in your ability to mix things up with those buts.

Whirlochre said...

"As"

Aughhhh!

Kiersten said...

I always want to use "just then" or "just as" but I know I do, so I consciously avoid it while I'm writing.

But, as Whirl and Natalie have said, you just can't avoid them all, even when you try.

Whirlochre said...

Looks like we're all going to have to eat up our spinach...

Kiersten said...

I refuse. I've relented on broccoli and green beans, but I will not eat spinach. So there.

Natalie said...

Oh man, you're missing out, Kierst. Spinach is yummy. Well, as long as it's not cooked and all shriveled...

Whirlochre said...

Isn't that what dragons say about we humans?

And I agree — spinach is such a treat. I can see mine poking out of the ground right now like a posse of buried rabbit druids. Should be ready in a couple of weeks so I'd better phone my tattooist.

Kiersten said...

Try as I might, I just can't connect home grown spinach and tattoe artists. Obviously having children has lowered my IQ even more than I initially feared.

Whirlochre said...

I was showing my age by referring to Popeye. Without actually referring to him.

Kiersten said...

See? Brain. Gone. I couldn't even spell tattoo right, for heaven's sake.

Maybe Popeye is the exact reason I don't like spinach...that whole green gunk chugged straight from a can...nothing appealing there.

Natalie said...

Dragons don't eat humans, silly, they eat gems.

Whirlochre said...

The conundrum of my mother-in-law rolls on...

Robin S. said...

Hee hee. Yeah - I think it's a hoot, since I don't have 'em, baby.

Hey whirl- is that the Welsh city that's the REAL Welsh city with the longest city name in the world honors? I assumed it was.

Whirlochre said...

It's either that, or Tom Jones gargling...

writtenwyrdd said...

I use gluteal connectors a lot myself. I call it conjunctivitis,lol.

At least you are writing regularly, though. I've written two days this past couple of months. I did manage 6K new words but it's not exactly consistent.

Whirlochre said...

As with soup, consistency in writing is all, and for the moment, I'm surprised by how I'm sticking to my schedule. It's as if my alter ego (piffle, I know) is holding a gun to my head saying, 'I ain't putting this down till you're finished.'

Or is it a banana?

writtenwyrdd said...

See what Kiersten missed out by not living in an Army barracks? I used to eat cold veggies out of cans all the time because I worked nights and kept sleeping through the days-only meal times. Mmmm, cold spinich from a can. (Honestly, I like cold veggies from the can. Because I have no couth or taste when it comes to food.)

Whirlochre said...

Cold spinach, I can't handle. It's texture is simply too weird gastropod.

My worst habit foodwise is hoovering up buffet meals at parties. Or anywhere.

Kiersten said...

I'm pretty sure I could exist on pizza and chocolate. And WW, I've never in my life had any desire to join any armed forces, and your comment serves to reinforce that most dramatically.

Whirl, your comment sections are always so fun to hang out it.

Kiersten said...

(Also, who's the alter-ego with a banana? I could use one...I've been slacking lately.)

Whirlochre said...

I have to say the alter ego with the banana is probably one of mine. I hate bananas.

Great weapons, though.

I remember being involved in an end-of-year canteen food fight. As me and my bunch of merry chums cowered for cover under a table seeking a suitably slushy response to the deluge of jelly and sausages splatting relentlessly onto our Hip Gear, we discovered the ballistic potential of the banana. Sure, you can hurl them as unaerodynamic boomerangs, but if you squish them up while they're still in their skins and then bite the tops off, a simple baseball bowling action turns them into an effective spray of dribbly yellow stuff — perfect for striking fear into even the most dangerous of pizza-wangers.

Kiersten said...

Terrifying, truly.

I'll have to find an alter-ego of my own. Besides Laptop. He's just cranky.

writtenwyrdd said...

OMG Kiersten left us a straight line. Oh yes she did. She needs an alter ego with a banana. *snorts*

Whirlochre said...

Blimey. It's all go this morning.

Kiersten said...

Oh, hush, WW. Everything has a double entendre if you want it to. Honestly... ; )

Whirlochre said...

That would be nice — like a parallel universe of smut.

Kiersten said...

And suddenly Whirl has the idea for his next novel...

Robin S. said...

Wow. You guys are on a roll. Or a tear. Or a banana.

Whirlochre said...

Jaime bit the tip off a banana and stared out of the window. His schedule for the next 24 hours held enough terrors to peel the zest from Harrison Ford and as he tossed the skin into the waste bin, an uncomfortable feeling welled up in his stomach like he was being inflated by a cruel demon with a foot pump.

Then something extraordinary happened.

His reflection in the oven door seemed to change. He caught himself all the time — odd glances at his hair, or maybe to straighten his tie before he left for the office — and as sure as eggs are eggs, the person he saw was always him. How could it not be?

Today, he had a penis instead of a nose, like some cruelly transmuted Pinochhio...


Right — that's me woken up. Time to get started on my 20 Minute Pec 'n' Ab workout before I stuff my face with enough fat and carbohydrates to fuel an eco-rocket bound for Mercury.

McKoala said...

I'd comment. But. I. Just. Can't.

Whirlochre said...

Oh no! We've broken McKoala between us with our talk of doubly entendroid bananae!

Fetch the eucalyptus oil!

Fan her with kilt fabric!

Crank up the Rolf!

Ecosstralia's finest needs help!

Whirlochre said...

It's an exciting adventure, Sylvia.

Perhaps on a par with the moment Hillary and Tensing swapped boots and goggles for the final 20 yards to the summit of Everest.

Whirlochre said...

Oh no!

In addition to breaking McKoala, I've decapitated Sylvia!

However, she wrote:

Ohhhh, I forgot how lovely your voice is. Now I have to find something to do it justice.

*ponder*


So - looking forward to this one, muchly.

Some Rude Anonymous Geezer said...

Whirlocre?

Hmmph!

"Twat," more like.

some other rude anonymous geezer said...

Ha! Look who's calling the kettle black. You can't even spell the twat's name.

Some Rude Anonymous Geezer said...

Wanna make something of it, pal?

some other rude anonymous geezer said...

You're on.

Outside, mate.

sounds of combat said...

Biff!

Whack!

Kerzonk!

Whap!

Pow!

Whirlochre said...

Now, get lost, the both of you. And don't ever darken my comment trail again.

writtenwyrdd said...

"His reflection in the oven door seemed to change. He caught himself all the time — odd glances at his hair, or maybe to straighten his tie before he left for the office — and as sure as eggs are eggs, the person he saw was always him. How could it not be?"

I like this. People do this all the time, but to suddenly find you have disarranged features is a cool start. Might want to change "he caught himself" to "he caught his reflection" or something that clarifies he's not chasing himself like a dog chases his tail?

Kiersten said...

Oh, I love rude anonymous geezers!

But in my experience, they rarely know how to comment.

Some Anonymous Eldercare Nurse said...

Hey! Some and Other! You two get back to bed. What have I told you about spamming bloggers?

Besides, that Whirlocre's eyes look might fine to me...

Now, who needs a diaper change, gentlemen?

Some Anonymous Eldercare Nurse said...

By the way, Mister Ocre, stop by anytime you are in the mood for some tapioca...

Some Other Rude Anonymous Geezer said...

'Scuse me, Sonny, but I seemed to have lost my teeth somewhere in this comment section during our little spat. Haven't seen em, have you? I've been looking in Sounds of Combat, but can't find the dern things anywhere.

Whirlochre said...

Thanks WW. People finding themselves in familiarly alienesque familiar surroundings is a sort of theme at the moment — Hey, it's my life — and I'm making tons of slip-ups like these, so thanks. Only problem with your suggestion is that I'd end up with a double reflection, but since this all stems from double entendres (and hairy bollocks, for God's sake), I can't see it matters.

As for the all-wrestling all-grappling anonymi, bring them on.

Past His Prime Aging and Balding Professional Wrestler said...

Did I hear the sounds of combat?

ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!?

Embarrassed past his prime aging and balding professional wrestler said...

Man, I always hit publish too soon...never can get in a good taunt.

Let's just bring out the dancers, then I'll hit someone with a chair.

Man, my back hurts today. Maybe those two geezers are up for a little match. I might could take'em. That nurse, though, well she scares me.

writtenwyrdd said...

You've been telling your friends (or your patients) about this blog, haven't you? (I got the impression somewhere along the line you work in the medical industry in some capacity. Probably the imbibing of narcotics, judging by your writing, but hey, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do...)

Thulle The Slayer said...

Somewhere I hear fight.

I ready with big weapon.

Show me leader.

I kill all.

Aging Professional Wrestler said...

Ah man, I can't even get a full name on these comments. Man, my life sucks. And I'm staying away from that Thulle guy. I just got into wrestling because I like spandex...none of this destroying garbage.

I'm calling my agent.

And did someone say tapioca?

Whirlochre said...

It's the grandparents you have to watch for.

My gran used to take her teeth out at the table to eat. When she came round for Christmas, we put a small Santa Claus plate on the table next to her cracker. Until the dog got hold of her teeth and she had to chew bareback.

Kiersten said...

Hrm...so now Whirl is a former actor, pre-op transsexual lesbian, and works in the medical industry. I'll throw my two-cents in and say he's also worked as a cook at some point.

Whirlochre said...

Mid-op — that's why I'm so grouchy at the moment.

Kiersten said...

Oh, my sympathies.

Honestly, that's one operation I've always been a little confused about. Not that I've looked into it, but I'm just not quite sure how you can do that...going either direction.

Kiersten said...

Oh! And he's served in the armed forces, too.

The list just gets more and more intriguing...

Thulle The Slayer said...

Shit I punctured myself.

Any healers?

No?

Then I bleed alone.

Hoppy the benevolent kangaroo said...

Luckily, my pouch contains no young.

Bleed ye here, oh proudheart, till the fates mingle thy meandtheehood ultra-equipped hospitalwardward...

Violence is my middle name said...

This is a RUMBLING comment section. No healers!

Quick, while he's bleeding! ATTACK!

Distressed Zookeeper said...

Quick! Has anyone seen a kangaroo? I'm gonna lose me job over this one...

Annoyed Eldercare Nurse said...

Hey! Who threw the banana? This comment section is chaos. I'm going to someone else's blog to hang out...really, just ridiculous.

mrs gwynneth pipplethwaite (disrobed) said...

I coil my whirling entrails into a lasso, hoisting spray of spleen and bowel o'er thy grim and snarling fizzog!

Have at thee, foul demon!

duane said...

I thort this was the olymopics.

Anyone help winth alink?

Prudence Prigbottom said...

Oh, goodness! Nudity! Violence! What kind of a comment trail is this?? Quick! Where's a priest?? I need some Hail Marys, and fast!

Father McKenzie said...

I cannot absolve you, my child. You knew what a den of sin and villainy this was when you entered.

To purgatory with the lot of you!

EZ Priests 4U Inc said...

Hey...whaddya think's going on here?

Some kinda confessional?

Plucky Dapple Tornado said...

whinney

Hey, I just got lucky with this speech thing.

What the hell's going on?

Father McKenzie said...

Ha! Quick, while they're distracted!

(Whips out his barbed-chain rosary and takes out Thulle, then Duane sheerly out of spite.)

Monstrously Large Two-Year-Old said...

HORSEY! HORSEY! HORSEY!

Literal Lucy said...

I don't get it.

plucky dapple tornado said...

At last!

An opportunity to entertain all with my tricks!

Pick a card, any card.

Can't fan 'em too good with these hooves, but hey...

Increasingly irate enormous two-year-old said...

HORSEY! HORSEY!

Woulda Been a Bestseller said...

Perhaps I should be working on my own writing, but what a party here!

Forget getting published. I'm just going to forever hang out in Mr. Ochre's comment trails.

Irate Eldercare Nurse said...

That's IT! Enemas all around, that'll teach you!

Whirlochre said...

At least in your don'tgetitness, you have some kind of tangible it.

I'm all at sea — really.

And now, I must away.

Thulle the disappointed said...

NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE!!

writtenwyrdd said...

Really, Whirl has let out his alternate personalities with full abandon and no stop. Just look at those posting times!

You need a beer or three my friend. And a nap.

McKoala said...

Leave. The. Marsupials. Out. Of. It.

Still. Broken.

Whirlochre said...

A rumble of thunder, and I wake with a start.

In the distance, the shrill squeal of beagles.

I crawl across the carpet to my PC like a squished beetle.

There are people.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Kiersten said...

Why on earth are you awake? Go back to bed, Whirl.

The Destroyer of Sleep said...

But think of all the work you could get done...maybe there are more comments to check...don't sleep, Whirl. You don't need to sleep...eye bags are the new handsome.

Whirl's Imaginary Friends said...

I love that they think this was all you...

Just think of what I could write, and they'd all blame poor Mr. Ocre.

Whirl's Imaginary friend said...

I wished and wished and wished for him to imagine me but he never ever did.

I realise I'm a figment, but I'm a lost kind of figment.

If he didn't imagine me, who did?

And now that I'm real, whose slumbering daydreams may I inhabit without seeming to be an intrusive stranger?

Gnorff, the feral imp said...

I wonder when everyone will figure out that Kiersten and Whirl are actually the same person, playing a great blogging prank?

thulle the slayer said...

I had friend once.

Now I warrior.

Whirl's eyebagometer said...

Hey — that's a full 10cm below the cusp of the iris!

Any moment now they'll start swinging from side to side till he falls over.

Whirl's Poor Tired Brain said...

At least then he'd be horizontal, which is closer to sleeping...

Whirlochre said...

Duvet!

Teddy bear!

Hasselhoff jim-jams!

Kiersten said...

Go to bed, old man.

Whirlochre said...

Hey I'm in bed.

If it wasn't for this zimmer frame, maybe I could get comfortable enough to drop off.

Kiersten said...

If I knew what a zimmer frame was, that would make sense.

Turn off the laptop and go to bed. You're going to be useless in the morning, and then we can't congratulate you on the WIPometer's progress.

Whirlochre said...

Thanks for reminding me, Kiersten.

I'm a man on a mission, yes.

McKoala said...

You're going to be useless in the morning

The comments that are going through my mind right now...

Must. Not. Post. Them.

Whirlochre said...

Fortunately, I'm feeling pretty sprightly this morning.

Look — how I spring like a young gazelle!

TWANG!

Thanks to everyone who kept me company last night. Normally when I can't sleep, I try counting sheep, but last night, they'd all been nibbled by shibboleths.

writtenwyrdd said...

Oh that would explain the email. If you'd watched the Olympics you might have fallen asleep. I keep falling asleep trying to watch them, anyhow.

Gnorff, the feral imp said...

So, the question is, who WAS Whirl's imaginary friends?

Whirl's Imaginary Kiersten said...

Oooh! Oooh! Let's break 100!

Robin S. said...

Damn. I missed a good one.

Stunt Worzel said...

100?

OK.

Can I put the hoop down, please?

It's been nearly four days now and my arms are heavy as a ton of remaindered I Luv Byron t-shirts.