Sunday, July 6, 2008

Protrudio Says — Hey! 2

As you may recall, Abysswinksback-goers were invited to partake in a writing exercise at the start of the week, and in spite of a torrent of responses to rival a eunuch semen tsunami, Protrudio has very kindly agreed to spill the beans on another of his secret recipes.

Protrudio responds...

Splendiferous Nib Huzzahs!

Just the one entry this time round, but so perilous has been my last sojourn into the custard swamps, even the crazed scribblings of a wannabe author phytoplankton would be sufficient to raise my energy levels from their presently flatlined ennuihood. Some of the crabs I’ve had to wrestle with over the past few weeks have nipped and nibbled my costume to within a hemstitch of one of Johnny Weissmuller’s loincloths. But hey ho.

Kiersten writes...

The door creaked open like the best eight seconds on a horror film sound effects CD. I reached for my iPod and turned off the horror film sound effects track. Stupid thing.

It’s brief, but to the point — exactly what you want in a range of men’s nylon swimwear or novelty sweet course consisting solely of tart autumn berries, but I digress.

So here’s a quick recipe for sunny afternoons when the future of humanity hangs in the balance by a moderate enough thread to warrant taking five to rustle up the full scrumptiousness of its munchosity. Hot Yum Yum Action!


For this top salad accompaniment, you will need

1 head small white cabbage, shredded
2 medium carrots, grated coarsely
1 small red pepper, chopped finely into vowel shapes
8 glorious green olives, sliced
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon brown sugar
1 tablespoon white vinegar
1 teaspoon celery seeds
1 teaspoon mustard
¼ teaspoon ground black pepper
2 tablespoons virgin olive oil

When I’m making this one, I like to prepare everything in advance wearing my favourite flowery apron. Once I’ve juggled all the chopped and grated veg a slice at a time into a series of identical bowls, I combine the oil and seasonings in an old elephant jelly mould I’ve had since I first learned to breathe custard through my ears without choking. A delightful pink plastic affair, it never quite fulfilled its role as a mould on account of its oddly-shaped trunk and remained, unused, in my utility pouch throughout all my childhood adventures until one day I found myself trapped in a huge underground coral reef by a shoal of poisonous turtles and was forced to deploy it as a cudgel.

So, assuming you have all of the ingredients to hand, it only remains for you to crank up a suitably joyous Beethoven concerto and throw everything into a huge salad bowl, making sure to shout the flavour-enhancing word ULTRASLURP continuously as you blend the cole slaw together with your favourite spoon.

Leave to stand in your refrigerator for a couple of hours and you’re ready to feast.

Me? I’m hoping to catch a good long lie down before breaststroking off into the depths once more.

Be sure to return soon for further adventures and recipes.


Kiersten said...

If I had known I'd offer the only entry, I would have done a better job.

Until next time, Protrudio. I'll try to be more worthy of your culinary offerings.

writtenwyrdd said...

Sounds good. My favorite cole slaw recipe consists of: Shredded red cabbage, raisins, plain yogurt, a squirt of lemon juice. Mix, let sit briefly so rains start to plump up.

Lazy gal's cooking on a diet.

Robin S. said...

Hey, sorry I didn't contribute as well.

I'm honestly down in the weeds with my novel- trying my best to hunker down and finish. I even skipped EE's this week - and I probably will for a while - so please don't be mad!

Recipe sounds good, by the way.

Whirlochre said...

Just about to join you a la hunkering...

McKoala said...

I forgot! But I doubt I could have beaten Kiersten. Witty and to the point.

I like soup. Can we have a competition for your favourite soup recipe? I promise to enter that one.

Whirlochre said...

I know Protrudio has a fantastic soup recipe for practising his swimming when he's up here on the surface. I'll check him out on this one.

Robin S. said...

Hey Whirl,

Are you tying to complete yours as well?

Whirlochre said...


Yes — and shortly, I'm getting myself one of those wordcountometer things to dangle in my margin.

I'm pretty good at starting things off but less good at consolidating stuff, particularly when it comes to editing material I've already written. In that sense, I'm something of a useless pioneer — thrilled to be out in the wilderness climbing Everest once, but for fuck's sake please don't make me do it all again when the excitement's over.

So — I need to get tough with myself. A public demonstration of my sloth ought to help.

Kiersten said...

We'll cheer you on. Or yell at you, if you need it.

Whirlochre said...

Harpies with pom-poms — bring 'em on!

Robin S. said...

Wow. I've always wanted to be a harpie with a pom pom.

How did you know?

I understand what you mean about the edits - that's the place I'm in right now - and it's just one big good time. Although I have to say - when I bear down and make it happen, and things start to sing in places, you know, buzzing in a way I'd imagined them doing, it feels better than the first time I got high on, um, well, anyway. you get what I mean. So- to be able to do this for msyelf, sans cannabis or anything else, is truly something. I bet you've had that happen as well - it's just that it's such a hard slog to get there. I know, baby. I know.

Whirlochre said...

Robin — from the moment I saw your photo I thought now here's a girl who looks like she might be up for a little screeching across the horizon with leathery wings bursting from her back but I confess, the pom poms took me by surprise — unless you dangle them as genetalia trophies as you howl your banshee wail from some lofty crag.

My problem at the moment is that I have lots of 90% chapters, most of which I happen to like. Filling in the final 10% without ending up with a mismatch is a real problem — time has passed between drafts but not for my characters. Plus, I don't have an ending yet. In that sense, it's like a primordial swamp from which all manner of bulbous organisms could wave their polyps.

Anyway. On, on, on must we battle, like courageous hobbits. With pens. And paper. And computers. And beer. And a lucky hat. Etc...

Robin S. said...

Hey cutie- I'm putting up a post either later this evening or very early in the morning - so please pop on and say so when your voice thingie is ready, OK?

I'll most likely put the post up tonight before I go to bed - so you guys have it when you wake up.

See ya!