Thursday, June 19, 2008

Supermarket Swipe


Thanks to Robin S for posting a short reading of her work over on her blog — here.


I've had a fun morning editing The Chapter From Hell and since the first 1000 words are done, I'll air a brief passage here.

Spoiler: vulgarity abounds.

62 comments:

Kiersten said...

Ah crap, are you kidding me? Now I have to wait until the kids go down for a nap to listen to it.

And I really want to hear your accent, too.

Whirlochre said...

Yes — hide the kids.

Kiersten said...

The glory of headphones!

Oh. My. Gosh. WO, you are now the proud owner of my favorite voice. It's official.

And if I ever get published, and if they ever make a book on tape version, and if I have any say whatsoever, will you please be the narrator? I could listen to you talk all day.

And the voices and inflection, too. Seriously, that was brilliant. My kids were pulling on me so I missed a lot of the actual story, but I didn't even care what you were saying as long as I could listen to how you were saying it.

And the other great thing about your accent is that profanity doesn't register as much to my ears. I watched both series of the British Office without realizing they were saying the F word ; )

I'll definitely listen to this again when the creatures aren't screaming and tugging on me.

Sorry, this is a little gushing. But I was just so delighted with your voice, I can't help it. Now I want to go and take mine down out of shame.

Kiersten said...

Of course, "air a passage" takes on a whole new meaning when considered in context with your story.

Natalie said...

*Blushes*

Whirlochre said...

Hey K — I get to hear this every day, mostly when I'm not actually talking.

Nice to know it doesn't sound flat and dull. That's how it sounds to me most of the time — but that's the brain's idle sensory register for you.

Whirlochre said...

Hi Natalie.

Do stop by again — it isn't always a festival of profanity.

Kiersten said...

Nope, WO, definitely not. I've listened to it twice now.

And Natalie, not always, but usually.

Natalie said...

I've been lurking here and there, since I know Kiersten. And she's right, but you're pretty funny anyway.

Renee Collins said...

Okay, call me another giddy American, but your voice is FABULOUS! Oh, heaven help me, I have a weakness for the British accent.

I will now always envision you as hot, just so you know.

Arlyle said...

Loved the accent, but I couldn't understand a fucking word that you said except for pussy and blisters.

I'll try again later.

Kiersten said...

I know, Renee, we all will.

He's sort of morphed into one of the Beatles circa Help! in my mind now.

fairyhedgehog said...

Gorgeous voice, WO.

Kiersten said...

And congrats, WO, you have your own Mormon Mommies Fan Club. Natalie, Renee, and I should start a website.

Whirlochre said...

Hi Renee & Arlyle — and also Fairyhedgehog (my firstest ever visitor).

The Mormon Mommies may also enjoy A Casting Off Of Albatri 2, in the Toss The Ross Links bar. Equally, they may not.

Kiersten said...

Definitely did.

I was going to suggest you make this a regular thing. I know I'd like to hear you more.

Natalie said...

What a pious fan club that would be.

Robin S. said...

I sleep with a Brit nightly - but even so, you have a fucking gorgeous velvet voice, and an entirely different accent than JB has. He doesn't have a Welsh accent. I'm not talking about that.

But you guys really do have as many accent variations there as we have here. Maybe more- oddly enough, oh Obscene One.

ChrisEldin said...

Robin and I were just talking, because when I need girl stuff she's the one I need.
So anyway she says you have this audio up (which I can't hear right now) and I ask "So how does she sound?" and then Robin tells me you're a guy.
So I thought all along you're a lesbian who wants to undergo a sex change operation (I really did, because you mentioned something about a transformation)

I'm always off about these things. I thought my personal trainer was gay. But when I told my husban stories about the gym, he's like 'he's hitting on you, he's hitting on you.' Not in a jealous way at all. He wants me to lose my fat ass. But that's an asside. So at the end of my two month training I realize that perhaps yes he was hitting on me.

But he seemed so gay. (mostly because he plucked his eyebrows. That's all i went by)

I'll shut up now.

McKoala said...

Hmm. Either that's not you or you're not who I imagined you were.

JaneyV said...

WO - LOL! Scandanavian Cornish pasties (all crusty and not much meat!) - where do you get the ideas? You have a very pleasing voice indeed and you do a rather fine "up North".

I am utterly decided, having listened to you Robin and Pete - I'm staying quiet!

pacatrue said...

That is a good voice, WO. And I kept forgetting your gender anyway, so this will help.

Whirlochre said...

I'd make a great lesbian. Very butch. Every time I visit Chris's blog in future I'm going to do that thing where ahem you tuck your tackle between your legs so it looks like you have a front bottom. I'll draw a tattoo of David Niven on my arm in marker pen and don a small cap. And I'll log on as Andrea.

As for the Podbean thing — I set it up with the sole intention of posting stuff out loud, but it was a case of waiting for the right moment.

Future highlights: yodelling in the shower and impressions of Buster Keaton.

Kiersten said...

Please yes.

I initially thought WO was a woman, but was quickly disabused of that notion. I also thought Paca was a woman until about two days ago. Writtenwyrdd was a man, XieXie was a woman, and Freddie was a gay man.

And lol, Natalie. A trio of squeaky clean Mormon girls does seem an odd fan group for WO.

So now I must ask, as I'm utterly (but not udderly, that was resolved by the octopi) confused, how old are you? Did you really record that poem in 1985?

Kiersten said...

(Not that it matters, it's just hard to figure out. Sometimes you sound like an old, old man, sometimes you sound like a teenager. Maybe, aside from being a pre-op transsexual lesbian [who somehow managed to father a couple of kids, but we won't get into that] you are also stuck outside the space time continuum, and you change ages as rapidly as some of us change clothing.)

fairyhedgehog said...

"Future highlights: yodelling in the shower and impressions of Buster Keaton."

I can hardly wait.

Whirlochre said...

K

It's rude to ask a pre-op transsexual lesbian his/her/its age. Let's just say I'm old enough to be your father, young lady, and that's all you need to know. Forthcoming diary posts will settle the issue — so consider this a trailer.

The Jupiter poem was written in '85 but I recorded that version last month.

Kiersten said...

Sorry, I'm rusty on my pre-op transsexual lesbian ettiquette. You'll have to forgive me.

And that makes more sense--I was wondering how on earth the sound quality was that good.

I wish I had written poetry in 1985, but alas, I was still working on things like learning how to talk. Lame.

Now I have a very odd mental image of you and my dad hanging out. Nope, too weird.

Whirlochre said...

You mean you weren't born knowing how to do it already? You surprise me.

Kiersten said...

Alas, I was not. Well, English, anyway. I came out reciting poetry in Latin and Aramaic. So I should have said I was learning to communicate, because no one understood me.

Whirlochre said...

I spoke fluent posset till I was about 18 months and my first words were for goodness' sake when will I be old enough to wear deodorant?

Kiersten said...

Mine were, "Oh mother, I'm sorry for breaking your tailbone. I'll make up for it by sleeping through the night at two weeks."

She didn't understand me though.

So, when *were* you old enough?

Whirlochre said...

I don't think I was either especially early or late, and certainly didn't say anything spectacular like rhododendron or giberellin.

One of my earliest phrases was MORE MULK! MORE MULK! I really liked my cow juice and would bang my spoon on my high chair till I got some. I'm guessing all babies do this, but from what I've been told, I was a total bastard in this regard. "Demand-o-Kid"

Kiersten said...

Actually, I meant when were you old enough to wear deoderant.

And are those your parents' actual words? Because that's kind of sad.

I sometimes call my son a horrible creature, but that's as extreme as I'm willing to go. He's rather demanding as well.

Whirlochre said...

I managed to avoid deodorant until I was well into my teens. Then, when I began to sprout visible facial hair, all manner of chemicals emerged from the ether to tempt me with their scents and bubbles. Within weeks, I stank like a pillowcase in a harem and any sparrows that flew too close to me fell from the sky, asphyxiated.

Kiersten said...

Poor sparrows.

Whirlochre said...

That's right — you go and side with the sparrows. Just like everyone else. No-one understands what it's like to have your nostril hair burned away at such a tender age. No-one!

Kiersten said...

I think it's the sheer preventability that excludes you from pity.

Kiersten said...

Plus, isn't having your nostril hairs burned away now a cosmetic procedure? Think of all the money you saved.

Whirlochre said...

It's even cheaper using dental floss and a trained wasp.

Kiersten said...

The trouble is in training the wasp.

By the way, what is this snippet from? I'm very curious as to what kind of a book this chapter belongs in.

Whirlochre said...

Not sure of the genre, K. It's fantasy and adult (though not in a sexual way) and it has paranormal elements. Not sure what specific genre, however.

Whirlochre said...

Hmmm. I've got a clear case of Repetitionitis.

Time for some food — though not instant noodles tonight.

Pasta, aubergines, mozzarella, olives, ciabata, chillies, tomatoes and a bottle with plenty of wine in it. That'll do me nicely.

Kiersten said...

Somehow I get the feeling most of your writing defies genre. In a good way.

Whirlochre said...

That would be very nice, K.

Anyhow — I need to dash away and nibble some nosh.

Hope the weather's fine where you are. I don't imagine you get much snow.

Kiersten said...

It's nice to see you're moving up the food chain. The instant noodles had you classified as "Foraging, pimply teen capable only of boiling water. Does so poorly."

That's a bad class to be in.

ChrisEldin said...

Soothing, candle-light kind of voice.
Very nice!

Whirlochre said...

I do pretty well for a lesbian...

Robin S. said...

WO, your fan club status is absolutely amusing!

Boomer, aren't you? I figured you for the Boomer age range.

Whirlochre said...

So that's what all the noise was when I slipped out.

Robin S. said...

Yep. I'm getting ready to go playing with your Podbean.

Whirlochre said...

Lewd Southerner.

Kiersten said...

When is Protrudio coming?

His cartoon makes me feel uncomfortable, but I look forward to the recipe.

Kiersten said...

Boomer, teenager, everyone sounds the same age in print.

Whirlochre said...

Kiersten

I'm afraid you've got as much to go on as I have...no, wait a minute, my Custard Alert Monitor is bleeping. This either means a message is coming through or my central heating is about to come on. But, no...it's Protrudio. Footage is hazy but it seems like he's inside...no...I can't make it out. And now the picture has gone all hazy. So — some time during the next fortnight is all I have.

Robin S. said...

Does Protrudio live in your pants?

Kiersten said...

Eeeeeew, Robin.

Whirlochre said...

It's an admirably postulated philosophical conundrum, Robin.

If you check out my Sifterini sidebar, you'll find the relevant references.

Mind you, it would be rather nice to have a Pant Pet — like a tiny winged gerbil or bat. Don't get me started.

Whirlochre said...

Hey, I'd love to stop and chat with you both in real time, but I'm being summoned.

Time to don my alter ego and manicure a few old ladies...

Robin S. said...

I'm going to do what I'm supposed to be doing - and finish a chapter.

Bye bye.

Kiersten said...

Ah, turns out WO is a middle-aged Vietnamese woman working in a nail salon in real life.

I knew it.

Whirlochre said...

Robin

Can't make up my mind whether that means you're going to sit down and write, or straddle a Harley D and chase after a gang of bikers with a sawn off shotgun. Either way — hope you finish the job.