Tuesday, June 10, 2008

It's Tuesday!!!

This is the only Tuesday June 10th 2008 I’m ever going to have.

If I’m lucky, there may be replays, but the Oxygen — in this air, now — can only be burned once.

So, what of today?

I’m fortunate enough to have risen early — a combination of the heat and the emerging day’s rampaging sunlight. I look like I’ve been licked all over by a drooling terrier in a TV studio.

So, I have sun. But then what?

If I have no plan at all, there might be no breakfast. I might forget to eat as I gambol round the nexus of the world’s novelty and my own naivety. If I have too many plans, I may inadvertently strangle the day of all life, casting it in AnyTuesday wax. Funnily enough, I don’t fancy either of these options.

The best I can do is be prepared to be unprepared. Breakfast, yes — but today maybe I’ll mix a little brown sauce in with my corn flakes to see what happens. And for lunch, I’ll try levitating instead of sitting at a table. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I did once eat breakfast sat on the toilet having a shit. That was back in the days when I believed the briefness of our mortal lives demanded we rush around like twits. OK, so I was probably about 22 with more kilojoules of energy than sense. And, in case you’re wondering, it was a slice of toast. A bowl of corn flakes would have been a Yuck Factor too far — I drank the last of the milk from the bowl like it was a cup in those days. Disgusting.

But that’s all the Sluggy stuff — the Mere Slithering Requirements.

What else could there be?

This could turn out to be The Best Day Of My Life. After all, there has to be one for all of us, however we decide it. Or maybe it’s the day I discover that The Best Day Of My Life must already have happened because...

Maybe I’ll have a brainwave and accidentally invent something the whole world will come to rely on. I did once invent curtains (!) In my old attic attic room, bathed, as it was, in the full UV glow of the sun, I’d sit for hours not being able to see further than the end of my nose, let alone write or read anything. Then I had this great idea involving a tea towel, a hammer and some nails. For a couple of seconds that day, I genuinely believed I’d invented something new. The best I can hope for at the moment is to be knocked over by a bus, cryogenically frozen till 3825 and then pumped with viruses and fired into space to put the heebeegeebees up a fleet of invading aliens.

So, a philosophical question. Will writing this post turn out to have changed anything?

Second philosophical question. When Schopenhauer drew willies on toilet walls, did he sign them? And if so, could he spell his own name?

What’s interesting, now I’ve ended up here with this, isn’t so much that it’s the 10th of June, but that it’s a Tuesday. I’m reminded of a great improvisation game we used to play back in the hothouse days of my life as a Potentially Famous Actor. Maybe this is the solution to the conundrum (such as it is) of how to have some sort of plan in the face of the unfurling unknown when, in truth, if you were to fall under a bus, it would make no practical difference at all to The World.

The game is called “It’s Tuesday” and comes from the book Impro by Keith Johnstone.

He writes:

This game is based on ‘overaccepting.’ We call it ‘It’s Tuesday’ because that’s how we started the game. If A says something matter of fact to B like ‘It’s Tuesday’, then maybe B tears his hair and says, ‘My God! The Bishop’s coming. What’ll he do when he sees the state everything’s in?’ or instead of being upset he can become overcome with love because it’s his wedding day. All that matters is that an inconsequential remark should produce the maximum possible effect on the person it’s said to...this is a ‘make boring offers’ and ‘overaccept’ game...

I’ll be back later on in the comment trail to pick up on Tuesday June 10th 2008. When it’s gone. Over. Done. Lost. Dead.


writtenwyrdd said...

Wow, another day closer to death... *throws arm across face, sobs lugubriously so mascara runs down face (a Tammy Fae Baker moment indeed)*

Whirlochre said...

Just had to google that one, WW.

Mascara — that's the gloopy foul-tasting licorice drink, right?

Anonymous said...

Oh, I forgot you're a Brit and likely wouldn't have gotten the reference. Or maybe you're just too young! (horrors, I'm getting old...)

Kiersten said...

Wait, you never said how you Tuesday June Tenth 2008 went.

I wish I had thought to invent curtains. Amazing.

Robin S. said...

Tuesday afternoo-oon

I read this and am fascinated, but you really nailed me with this little tidbit...back in the hothouse days of my life as a Potentially Famous Actor and my mind kept going back to it and NOW every time I hear about Tuesday afternoons, or maybe hear that song, I'm gonna be transported into wondering who you are...

So there.

Whirlochre said...

I'm happy to report that absolutely no invention took place at all, other than some oddments of writing and an impulse-mayoed tuna baguette.

The weather continued to be astonishing, so I slipped into a pair of something almost non-existent and frazzled till wisps of smoke burst from my nipples. Actually, no — that was the barbecue. It was hot and lazy enough to have a barbecue, so we had one. Then I read a book till it got so dark it could have been upside down, written in Chinese, and printed in invisible ink.

If truth be told, TJ10th reminded me of long summer holidays as a kid when everyone under nine (years, not feet tall or ounces) would gather in the street brandishing Hot Wheels, boomerangs and pretend weaponry.

So glad I didn't try this post on Wednesday, however. Fate's cruel hand tossed me Rude Twat In Sports Car and decreed he attempt to run me down. He missed. I ran after him a hundred yards to the junction from whence he only just made it away in time with a car chase squeal of tyres. For a minute or so, I became The Lunatic Who Will, In Fact, Rip Your Head Off. I give good manic.

Thursday now, which means...only five more days till next Tuesday.


McKoala said...

Can hardly wait for the next thrilling instalment in Tales of Tuesdays!

McKoala said...

Oh, I invented bookshelves. A few bricks and a plank. Genius.

Whirlochre said...

McKoala — call me a maverick, but I may try out a Thursday next time.

Glad to hear about the bookshelves — onto the next post.

Robin S. said...

"I give good manic."

I'll just bet you do!