Monday, May 19, 2008

The Procrastinatorium

I’m trimming a cactus with a pair of nail scissors.

It’s one of those big fluffy ones rather than the kind with spikes and as I chop its subtropical fur into a series of undulating ripples, I reckon this writing lark may blossom into a full-blown career as a landscape garden topiarist — or at very least, a ruiner of exotic poodles.

Artistically speaking, although this new-found hobby is contributing fuck all to my daily word count beyond the odd unrecorded sigh of delight, it’s nonetheless stimulating my creativity glands by offering up the same sort of life-and-death choice typically posed by an adjective of vexingly indeterminate prunability.

So — should I trim away the hair from the base and leave the top end looking more like a giant phallus than God intended? Or shall I whip off the stuff from the crown and streamline the base till I have something more like a rocket? Or could I get Robert De Niro, looking pensive?

If it’s true life is a curse, the quiet hum of my distraction is a self-inflicted incantation.


ChrisEldin said...

Can't you get it to look like a phallic Mr. De Niro?

Thanks for understanding about the memes!

writtenwyrdd said...

I think the ribbed condom effect might be the most thought provoking, actually. Or at the very least, provoking of random giggles.

Whirlochre said...

I'll save the ribbed condom for the winter. A wooly one ouught to slip over nicely, like a tea cosy. Perfect for Mr De Niro, with or without cactoid phallus.

Robin S. said...

Damn. If you keep talking like this, I'll feel right at home.

PS- Do you read your email? Ever?
The one named "P"?

McKoala said...

Next you must pick those little pilled pieces of wool off the soles of your socks. Yes, every pair. If there is not enough wool on the bottom of your socks to pill and pull, then it's time to visit M&S.

Whirlochre said...

Shop for socks at M&S?

I'd rather invest in a prissy ex-hairdresser with OCD — and a pair of tweezers.

Robin S. said...

Where'd you get those pink striped socks of yours, honey? Not at M&S, I take it?

Whirlochre said...

Glad you asked, Robin.

It's like that Elves & The Shoemaker thing.

I went to bed without a stitch to wear on my feet and when I woke up — there they were. Luckily, I have CCTV in my bedroom for filming my dreams and it turns out I was visited by a luminous silkworm with a ball of gossamer twine.

Robin S. said...

Hmmmm. The sock fairy, huh?

And didn't mention before - butl loved this phrase, because I'm right there with you...

the quiet hum of my distraction is a self-inflicted incantation