Saturday, May 17, 2008


Looks like I’ve been tagged by that rascal, Kiersten. There was I happily slumbering when a spectral hand slipped through the gap between cyberspace and my duvet and gently spanked my bared buttocks till I awoke.

I don’t normally respond to this kind of thing and had made my mind up right from the outset that this blog would be reserved solely for the spuriocurio distracting me from writing my novel. But the internet has a funny way of getting you involved in stuff, so at risk of finding myself in a few months time on a potholing expedition with a bunch of German Elvis impersonators, I’m going to respond. And in the best traditions of anonymity, some or all of my answers may be blatant fibs.

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read the player’s blog.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

Inquisition Meme

What were you doing ten years ago?

I was days away from tossing my non-parenthood into the same chasm I once threw my virginity. So — riotously pissed in a field pretending to be Walt Whitman, The Great Caruso and Fred Astaire all at the same time. Specifically, my diary of May 17th records that I watched an episode of Inspector Morse, though it doesn’t say which one. Believe it or not, I also ate a pizza.

What are five things on your to-do list for today?

1) Visit storytelling festival and don a selection of hats.
2) Dig out the chainsaw from the shed and chop away the last husks of alien embryo pod currently ruining all my T shirts.
3) Watch Britain’s Got Talent. For some unknown reason, I’m harbouring lots of dry skin on my arms at the moment and though I could go out and shop for expensive exfoliation products, some of the acts on BGT are so cringingly bad, I’m hoping for a full-on ecdysis.
4) Prune the adverbs and adjectives from my latest death scene. They make it sound like some sort of advert.
5) Re-enthuse the house chimpanzee (currently depressed).

What are some snacks you enjoy?

I can never say no to a slice of toast and Marmite or a bowl of corn flakes — crisps, peanuts, Snickers ice cream bars, Pringles, Prongles, Proongles etc etc. It’s a wonder I’m not 386 stone 2. Luckily, I work out by keeping to my side of the Pursued By The Law For Being A Renegade deal.

What would you do if you were a billionaire?

Die sooner than if I wasn’t, almost certainly.

What are five places where you have lived?

Is it every seven years that you’re supposed to end up with a completely new body via the miracle of cellular renewal? If that’s true, then I’ve lived in five different Whirlochre-shaped torso-head-n-limb-comboes in various exotic locations around the world.

What are five jobs you have had?

1. Sandwichboard Man
2. Lecturer
3. Tax Collector
4. Puppeteer
5. Maverick All-in Wrestler with trademark pectoral twitch

What were the last five books you read?

Darwin’s Dangerous Idea — Daniel C. Dennett
Self-trepanning For The Well Equipped Mechanic — A. R. Vent
Talks To Teachers — William James
The Mick Jagger Limerick Anthology
Love Songs Of WWIII — Adrian Mitchell

What’s playing on your iPod right now?

I’m enjoying the new Goldfrapp album, but Swine & Cockerel by The Mighty Roars has been on there since last summer and I have a feeling it’s never going away. The quality of unashamed excess is wonderful to behold.

What five people do you want to tag?

This meme has travelled faster than a penis-shrivelling bug in a whorehouse, and most of the people on my links list have already been snapped up. I’m almost tempted to pick on a complete stranger from some halibut breeding blog — but no.

So, I’m tagging Christine Eldin, Bernita, Scott From Oregon, Chumplet and McKoala. May God have mercy on my soul. And theirs.

So — thanks for this, K. It’s another milestone in my long haul out of exile. I may even start visiting my own comment trail...


fairyhedgehog said...

This is a very powerful meme going around! McKoala has been tagged twice now: once by me and once by you.

It would be interesting to see two entirely different posts in answer to the two tags.

Whirlochre said...

Either that, or we're powerful suckers.

Julie Weathers said...

Hilarious, you were tagged honorarily by me. See how popular you are?

writtenwyrdd said...

These memes do travel like you say, WO. Love the book titles, too.

Bernita will not thank you and might hunt you down. But she might also respond. I memed her once, so I know.

Robin S. said...

Ha! Whirl - I can't believe I haben't been here before.

I think it's because I thought of you as being a blogless wanderer, like I am.

Never thought of you as a dad, although i'd have bet serious money you haven't been a virgin for quite a while, no matte rwhat your age is, honey.

PS - I miss the damn pink socks picture. If you're gonna keep gibing us a body part, but you won't go back to feet - how about your nose?

ChrisEldin said...



This one is funny. Thanks for the tag. I try to avoid memes, but this one could be fun....

Kiersten said...

See, that wasn't so hard, was it? And it made me laugh, as I knew it would.

And I promise it was NOT my spectral hand spanking you. Maybe it was Robin; I'm not that kind of girl.

Also, I think you have the best response to the billion-dollar question of anyone.

Aerin said...

Wait. So is the Mick Jagger Limerick Anthology a collection of limericks by Mick or about him?.....

Whirlochre said...

Blimey — this is like coming home from holiday to find all the neighbourhood mice having a knees up in your kitchen.

Cheese all round, I think.

Scott from Oregon said...

urghh.. cruel and unusual...

Robin S. said...

Come on, Limey Boy.

You know you love us. Right? Right?

Whirlochre said...

When I came into my study just now, there was a big feather tickling stick poking out of the computer monitor, feeling around in the air for movement like a snail's antenna.

The closer I got, the more it seemed to want to tickle something.

Now the monitor is on, I see the wooden end is attached to Robin's comment. The feathers, of course, invade my nostrils.

That, madam, is teasing.

Shame about Cardiff yesterday — hope Britboy isn't inconsolable. All the pundits predicted a severe thrashing so 1-0 was an honourable performance.

Robin S. said...

Nah. He's more of a golfer type now that he's aged some - and has lived here for a while.

But he knows some guys who are in the dregs over it.

Wish I had a study. I live in this open plan of a house with a man and a teenaged daughter. I haven't got a hope in hell of having a study, at least for a while. Had one in an earlier house, and God, do I miss it.

fairyhedgehog said...

That must be horrible: going from having a room of your own to not having one. I'm not sure I'd like an open plan house, even though I don't like shutting doors.

Whirlochre said...

Hmmm. let me qualify study.

It's true there's a door, with space on the other side of it for books, but I have to remove both of them in order to squeeze myself in.

So it's more like a Turkish bath without the steam (except in July).