Thursday, October 15, 2015

Slipping Neatly Into The Vroompants Of Wanderlust

Feeling pre-vacansular.
For now, this post is lastonesular.
Back soon
(end of October
for Halloween swoon
if I stay sober).

Monday, October 12, 2015

Whippettio's Goulash Dispenser #1

     A green light flashed on the console.




    Then a pause.
    Then another flash — and round again.

    Whippettio placed his bowl under the dispenser nozzle, ruminating on his latest dilemma.

    Would the guys at the lab fix the anti-grav in time for the exhibition?

    Would the exhibition even happen?

    And would the goulash be overly lumpy, like it had been since the weekend?

    A shuttle stalled outside the window, and a goofy pug kid flashed him a stupid face.

    More lights.

    Two beeps.

    A waft of steam.

    All the vegetables looked okay, and though some of the fat had separated from the sauce, everything looked more or less how it should.

    Whippettio eyed a chunk of meat floating near the bowl’s edge, took a sniff and grabbed a spoon.

    “Guys,” he said, as he crossed to the solar table, “I guess we can hire an anti-grav from storage if our own falls through.  Their rates are reasonable and I can pick it up next time I’m over at Judo.”

    He shook his head and blew on his goulash.  “No.  Wait.  I guess we can rely on storage to provide a replacement anti-grav if ours falls through.  I’m over at Judo all the time, so it’s no problem for me to pick one up.”

    Spooning the meat into his mouth, he watched the shuttle pull off into the main space lane, picturing how Aida and Luperno would react to his plan.

    Aida nodded, Luperno cupped her chin and shrugged.

    “Okay,” said Whippettio with a series of half nods.  “Okay.  Okay.  Let’s go with that.”

    He spooned some more goulash from the bowl, and the voices chittering in his head gave way to silent contentment.

    [To be continued...]

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Monday, October 5, 2015

Droolbummer Mondaygrinder

    Monday swings around again with the faeces-tinted gleam of a droolball dangling from a worm-arsed bulldog’s lower smacker.

    With grim heart and befouled spirits, we muster our ravaged musculature into a feeble slaction replay of Fridays’s least unenergetic total bodily collapses and swipe toothbrush across teeth like a lumberjack sawing down Jack’s beanstalk with Hillary Clinton’s petitest nail file.

    Agonising and lumpen are the steps we take to haul ourselves through the day, with deep sea diver boots chained to an escalator speeding the wrong way.

    And when night falls, it falls on our faces, suffocating all hopes and dreams from our thumping skulls.

    Ere long, ‘twill be Tuesday — and motherfucker shall pile 'pon motherfucker before Holy Bejesuspants! Wednesday’s Saturnine drag screeches its fingernails down the blackboard of all conceivable horizons.

    So, yeah, back blogging on Thursday.

    Enjoy the rest of the week, you scintillating muskrats...

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Off The Tightrope, Onto The Limbo Ring

    My world has turned all Deep Space Worm Hole.

    At heart, I’m a Thomas the Tank Engine kind of guy, drilled down on a track, chuffing and a-puffing, smiling out at the faces smiling my way.

    I ferry stuff from place to place, often along a narrative arc; I pick people up, and I set them down, sometimes providing the same service for circus animals and contraband.

    Whistles blow, steam billows into the sky, and everyone is happy.

    Or they were — myself included.

    Now, where once stood a furnace aglow with burning coal, a baboon anus vacuum has opened up to purse its lips and deep throat my current reality.

    Certainty mutates into chaos, reliable shaving equipment prepares to morph into junk, and even the one cat in my neighbourhood who goes out of his way to ignore my advances has begun muttering, “don’t forget to pack fur-lined underpants, Whirl.  It’s freezing cold in that there parallel reality, and I can’t bear the thought of your private parts shrivelling to the size of a caterpillar asleep on a walnut.”

    No need to hire a precog on this one: I’m about to undertake a journey like no other, possibly wearing underwear with ursine exterior origins.

    Should I pray to the Lord?  Or Richard Branson’s stylist?

    And when I emerge on the flip side, will there be curly kale to purify my blood and stave off scurvy? 

Monday, September 28, 2015

Mayo Squirt Nutzoidhosen

    When you’re hellbent on sourcing some killer mayo, and your freezer is empty as the supermarkets are closed, there’s no point trying to strangle a duck.

    But how does hellbentness sit with any kind of hiatus?

    Till the supermarkets open?

    Or a yolk-laden duck slips its rear end over the edge of your mixing bowl and points a feathered wing at the whisk dangling from your utensil gazebo?


    This is where it pays to make with the zen, the kung fu, the deep space karmic wizardry.

    No kind of hellbentness ever sat anywhere.
    It exists and persists only to strain at the leash till it burns the raison d’ĂȘtre of its bendy through part of the cosmos.

    (Or it would, if you could break into your neighbour’s house, raid the fridge, and rustle up a cheese salad sandwich.)

    So you have to stay on your feet, on the move, on the hop, like a pregnant gazelle.

    Allow the foal of your bendy to roll and tumble in the womb.

    Yes — you have a gazelle foal in that hellhole, because nothing makes sense when you can’t still your bendy.

    And you mustn’t still your bendy, not for some while yet, or it’ll burn out through your navel, roll onto the floor in a ball of flames and maybe incinerate a Dachshund.

    Make with the Haka like the All Blacks!

    Go crazy with a sword like Sulu rampaging through the corridors of the Enterprise back in the days when the input knobbery for warp drive consoles was sourced from toasters and junked hifi!

    Dance like Victoria Beckham trying not to pee down her leg!

    Lull that bendy into submission.

    Roll it, rock it, lower it gently to the ground.

    If there’s a Dachshund nearby, instruct the owner to run for cover, along with the dog.

    If there’s more than one Dachshund nearby — what in hell are you doing being hellbent in a kennel in the first place?

    There’s more to life than pooches shaped like Bratwurst!

    Get back on the Haka before they come runnin’ over to lick your ankles.

    And if there are no Dachshunds in the immediate vicinity, do the Haka anyway.

    In addition to helping you roll your bendy, it’s great for developing your pelvic floor muscles and dating anyone with hairy shoulders.

    Keep rolling, keep rocking.

    There’s no hiatus here.

    No stillness, no stuck, no immobility: Just a gentle shaking of your gazelle womb, teasing the fire from your bendy, snuffing out the flames, cooling down the embers, flipping the temperature down a farenheit at a time.

    Till the bendy, the hell, is all gone.

    And you can walk on, free.

    Pet ducks, open fridge doors at will, visit your neighbour.

    Zen master, Kung Fu Hero, Venusian Wand Lord.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Catalysts & Keepers

    As it rolls in life, so it scrolls in writing.

    (Or ‘goes’, if you’re using pen and paper.)

    Most things #amwriting are catalysts — ammed into being to be checked out later to figure if they’re worth anyone else seeing.

    Most things #amediting are keepers — ammed because they’re the only words left standing after all the unwitnessible elements have been cut.

    This is why first drafts must be catalytically audacious and unafraid to behold all miracles.

    You can’t KEEP all that stuff — but you must generate it till it vomits sparks from your every orifice.

    This is why final edits must be be meticulously conservative and bold enough to convey one single message brilliantly.

    You can’t ADD MORE to all that stuff — and you must trust its capacity to ignite all it touches.

    In writing, as in life, there are catalysts
and there are keepers.

    You #amwriting or #amediting today?

    Roll your wheels out appropriately over the sleepers.